


When I met green and you met blue

by LJT



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Car Accident, Clarke is an Emergency Doctor, Clexa, Depression, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff, Jake Griffin Lives, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Ranya wedding, Sad Clarke, Smut, cuteness, happy ending!, ranya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-02-18 03:38:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13091622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJT/pseuds/LJT
Summary: It´s past midnight again. And I´m aware, it has to stop, because all the work and the lack of compensation for it is going to kill me someday. Literally. But I don´t care.I can´t even remember, what my face looks like without these dark bags under my azure blue eyes anymore. I can´t remember when I´ve slept in the last time, when I went out dancing or to go see a movie. Hell, sometimes I can´t even remember what day it is.----Clarke lost someone close to her in a tragic car accident. Over a year later, she´s still struggling, still running. Until she has no choice but to return home.And maybe that's the best thing that happened to her in a long time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys.
> 
> DON´T READ, WHEN: the mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression or car accidents could trigger something. No story is worth it.
> 
> So, here we are. My second english story (and my second fanfiction ever). I´m from Germany, so forgive me, if there are some grammar or spelling mistakes. I´m trying my best! 
> 
> It´s a lot darker, than my other story - just as a warning.
> 
> Hope you like it.
> 
> Love,  
> LJT  
> \----

#### March 10th, 2017 - Clarke.

I´m staring at the message for the tenth time this day.

**Raven: I don´t care about your lame excuses anymore. I´m getting married and you´ll be there, Griffin. For once, this isn´t about u. I need u there. I need my best friend.**

With just a few words, I´m feeling guilty again. 

I shut my eyes, trying to picture something else for once, but it isn´t working, because there are always the same pictures on my mind. So I sigh in defeat and open my umbrella, to shelter myself from the pouring rain. 

I make my way over to the train station, sounds of screaming echoing through my mind and I wonder for the twentieth time today, why I haven´t given in to the dark thoughts yet. I could. It would make everything easier.

It´s past midnight again. And I´m aware, it has to stop, because all the work and the lack of compensation for it is going to kill me someday. Literally. But I don´t care. I can´t even remember, what my face looks like without these dark bags under my azure blue eyes anymore. I can´t remember when I´ve slept in the last time, when I went out dancing or to go see a movie. Hell, sometimes I can´t even remember what day it is.

I´ve always been the selfless one, always caring for other people first. That´s why I became a doctor in the first place. But I suck at caring for myself.

It´s one of these days, where I feel like choking again and it started with a text message from my best friend. She´s been patient with me for a while now. But I guess, everything comes to an end, doesn´t it?

I´ve avoided going home for a year and a half. Honestly, I´ve avoided everything, that´s been connected to the fateful September night, because that night broke me.

I have thrown myself into work ever since, day and night. Shift after shift, saving life after life. I spent all my money for charity – animal shelters, soup kitchens, veterans. But it doesn´t take away the pain, the guilt, the suffocating feeling. 

So I work more, harder, longer. I make more money and I donate more. The little free time I have left, I spend at the orphanage, teaching children how to draw or reading them stories. 

If I give all that I got, maybe, just maybe, it will be enough one day to make up for the guilt I´m carrying on my shoulders. It´s the only thought that keeps me going. 

Of course I´ll go to the wedding. And I´ll wear a dress and I´ll accompany my best friend through the best day of her life, I´ll smile and laugh and dance – and no one will see, how bad I´m still spiraling. Hopefully. 

I open the chat once again and type a quick answer. 

**Clarke: of course I´ll be there. Can´t wait <3**

I hate messaging. It´s so impersonal and fake. My message sounds happy, but I´m the furthest from it. And no one will know. Yeah, I could call someone and talk about it. But I´ve talked about it for a whole year with a therapist and it didn´t change a thing. 

When I arrive at my small apartment – living room with an open kitchen, a small bathroom and a tiny bedroom – I kick my shoes off and grab a bottle of wine. I just take a few sips right from the bottle, not even bothering with using a glass. This way I won´t have to care about my kitchen. I haven´t cooked since I moved in, so it´s only purpose is collecting dust. Hell, there´s only beer in my refrigerator. 

After a hot shower I climb into bed, take my sleeping pill and drift to sleep with the same scene playing in my head, that I woke up with. Blood, screams and fire. 

 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

My alarm goes off at five thirty in the morning. Means, I´ve got half an hour, before I have to leave my apartment, another thirty minutes to get my daily breakfast and coffee to go and I´ll be at work at six thirty. 

But I can´t move. I can´t even breathe properly. Being woken up by another nightmare, I´ve been already awake for two hours, so I got only about two hours of proper sleep. But it isn´t the constant lack of sleep – I´m used to that by now. It´s the nightmare that has me paralyzed. Hearing my little sister scream my name, before a fireball bursts her car on repeat… 

Sometimes I just can´t take it anymore. 

No, today I won´t get up. I won´t pretend like I´m okay, because I´m not. I´ll stay in my bed, curled up, hidden under pillows and a heavy blanket. 

But then I remember, that I have to get home today, so I can attend Ravens wedding tomorrow. Fuck. 

 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

It takes me less than an hour to get to work, even though I haven´t got a shift today. But everyone is used to that by now. 

Coffee, black, is my personal heroine – without it I probably couldn´t stand anymore. I do some paperwork for my colleagues to distract my thoughts, until I have no choice but to tell my boss, that I´m taking off the weekend.

Becca is a tough and guarded, but very talented doctor with a heart of gold. Not, that she shows it often. But I really appreciate her. And I notice the worry hidden behind her smile, as she gives me the whole week off. I won´t use that, but I don´t tell her yet.

After a short lunch around noon I finally leave work. On my way home I organize myself a hotel room in Polis, my hometown. I could always stay at home, I know that. But I haven´t set a foot in my parents´ house – my childhood home – since Luna died, and I don´t plan to. 

It´s just not the same anymore.

Luna has been a free spirit since we were little. Only three years younger than me, she´s been a handful to our parents, always on the brink of causing more chaos. In contrast to me, she had always been careless, living from day to day. 

At sixteen, she had her dreadlocks-phase. When she turned eighteen, she came home with a tattoo and a nose piercing, which nearly gave our Mom a heart attack. After highschool she spent a whole year in Australia and another one in Europe, conquering the world. After that, she didn´t enter college, like our parents wanted her to. Instead she took a job at a diner and spent her spare time with who knows what. Half a year later she went to Nashville for two years, playing music and working in a bar. 

Not exactly, what my parents – a doctor and an engineer – wanted for their youngest daughter. 

Luna didn´t care.

After that, she returned home and opened her own bar in Polis, which was quite successful within a year. But she was already setting her mind on new things, before the accident happened, because she couldn´t stay in one place too long. She was free as the birds. 

We both, despite being the complete opposite – outward appearance as well as our personality – were thick as thieves. Not a single day passed without the two of us talking. Wherever Luna went, she always kept contact with me. 

I was the one with the good grades, the one who entered med-school, like my parents wanted me to. I had been working for two years at the same hospital, that our mom worked in, when the accident happened. 

A drunk driver crashed into our car on September 4th, as Luna, her longtime boyfriend Derek, Raven and I where on our way to a concert. Luna was driving and singing along to her favorite band, when the other car suddenly came out of nowhere. 

The car overturned, what felt like a dozen times. When the car had finally stood still, I was functioning on pure instinct. I tried to feel a pulse Ravens neck, it was , weak, but it was there. And Luna cried out for Derek. 

Only three of us were alive. Derek was ejected from the vehicle, right through the windscreen. He had no chance. 

I pulled myself out of the car, my shoulder dislocated, my arm broken and a bad whiplash injury, but I managed to get out. I ran around the car and started pulling out an unconscious Raven, not having the time to be careful with her broken leg, because the car caught fire. 

I ran back as fast as I could to get my sister, but I wasn´t fast enough. 

Luna, screaming my name, was the last sound, I would ever hear from my sister, before the car exploded and a shock wave sent me to the ground.

I woke four days later, my right forearm forever marked from the fire, that killed my sister and her boyfriend.

After that, everything had changed. 

Raven would limp for the rest of her life. And I wouldn´t get over it any time soon. I wasn´t fast enough. I felt responsible. I still feel that way. Because I am. I promised her, I would get her out. 

I didn´t.

I quit my job and moved to Ton Dc within months. And I became one of the best emergency doctors the city had ever seen. Only three losses in nearly over a year. Quite a record. But nobody fights for a life like I do. 

I take the train back home. So far, I´ve been able to avoid cars as much as possible, at least the back of them. But I´m too tired for a five-hour drive and maybe I´ll have the evening to myself, when nobody knows I´m here. 

A drink, a bed, a movie. Some peace. 

But the second I set foot on the ground in Polis, I know, I can´t. So I go to the only place on my mind and I sit down in front of my sisters´ grave for the first time since the funeral, crying over the unfairness of life. 

I remember very well, how Luna insisted on driving that night, so I could drink and “let loose”. I never did, I was always the responsible one. Except this night. 

The rational part of me knows, that I carry no guilt. I did, what I could. Who could know, the damn car would catch fire? I had learned to secure the injured first, so I had done, what every doctor would have – I pulled Raven out and returned to get my sister. It was bad luck, fate or whatever. 

But what kept me up at night, where my sisters´ screams. Full of fear and panic. Luna must could´ve known, that I wouldn´t make it back and this little thought keeps tormenting my mind.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Coming to her grave helped a little. It eased some of the pain and guilt. 

While I make my way to the hotel on foot – it´s just a ten minute walk – suitcase rolling behind me, I check my phone. Three unread messages. 

**Raven: when r u coming? Ur sleeping with us. At ours. Whatever.**

**Raven: Clarke. Don´t say u miss my wedding??**

**Raven: this is Anya, Ravens fiancée. Please tell me your gonna be there, because she won´t marry me unless your there and I can´t let that happen.**

The last one makes me smile. I haven´t met Anya in person yet, but from what I´ve heard, she´s the perfect match for Raven. She seems to keep up with her snarky and sarcastic comments, she´s got the same weird sense of humor and – most of all – she managed to keep Raven. I´m really curious about her.

**Clarke: of course I´ll be there. I´m already in Polis. I´ll come over tomorrow morning.**

**Raven: no, u come here now. There´s no way u stay at a hotel. We´re family, Griffin. Move ur ass over here.**

**Clarke: Ray, please.**

**Raven: don´t “please” me. U, here, 20 minutes. I´m the bride, u do what I want.**

I smile involuntarily. Seems, I´ve got no choice.

**Clarke: Ok.**

**Raven: See, I win. :D**

I roll my eyes at my best friend and change my direction. 

 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Raven grew up in the house next to mine and we shared every big moment in each others life. She´s a genius. There´s nothing, she doesn´t know or can, except maybe languages, but hey, nobody´s perfect, right? 

We´ve been texting over the last eighteen months, talking over the phone once a week. It´s nothing compared to previous years. She knows, I´m hurting. And she tried to be there for me as best as she could. 

We had some… problems a few years ago, but we solved our issues.

But I never told her, that Luna was conscious, when the car caught fire. It´s knowledge, I won´t trouble her with. 

We were one big group since highschool. Raven and I, Luna, Murphy, Jasper and Monty, Harper, Bellamy and his little sister Octavia, who´s the same age as Luna was. Later our crew – Raven calls us that – grew bigger and changed, with the different boyfriend and girlfriends some of us brought along. Luna brought Derek along during highschool, I dated a girl named Niylah for a while and she stayed part of the crew, even after we split up. Raven brought her boyfriend Finn along during highschool, who became my boyfriend our first college year. We split up long before the accident and Finn was kicked out of the state by the rest of the crew, because he´s an asshole. Short version. Octavia introduced Lincoln to the group, when she went to college. p>

From what I´ve heard, most of my friends are settling down. 

Murphy, our snarky group member, has fallen for a girl named Emori and they bought a house last spring. She´s expecting their first child. I have to say: I don´t feel old enough for kids and settling down. 

Jasper, one of our two “kids”, like we call them, found a really sweet girl named Maya, which led to some trouble within his friendship to Monty – kid number two. Gladly, Harper returned from the Army and took care of Monty. I predicted them back in highschool and won two-hundred dollar in the process.

Even Bellamy, our Casanova, got tamed. I´ve met Echo at Lunas funeral, she seemed a bit intimidating, but the way Bellamy looked at her, told me everything I needed to know. 

Basically everyone is in a healthy relationship, except me and Niylah, but I wouldn´t revive our highschool-romance. And she isn´t one for commitment.

The thing is, everyone continued with their life. Not, like nothing happened, of course not. But after a few weeks or month, everyone had the urgent need to get back some normality. Maybe that´s why I reduced the contact to a minimum – because I wasn´t there yet. I couldn´t go on. I was stuck in that night and it was slowly draining every drop of energy I had left. 

I threw myself into my new job. I didn´t continue my path into surgery, I became an emergency doctor – always on adrenaline, high on the feeling of being able to save a life. And I´m doing a damn good job.

Mom wasn´t happy about both of it – me moving to Ton Dc and the new job. But I would´ve suffocated in Polis. 

I never understood Lunas need for getting away as far as possible, her desire for freedom and distance, for change. 

Until the day she was laying in that damn coffin. 

At least she lived her life at its fullest. 

Raven took over her parents´ house, when they moved to Hawaii for their retirement last year. From the guestroom I can see Lunas bedroom window. She often climbed out of it, when she went for one of her adventures in the middle of the night. That´s one of the many reasons I didn´t want to sleep there. 

 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Even from afar, I can see Raven standing on the sidewalk, pacing up and down, waiting for me. I watch her movements, automatically searching for signs of her injury. She´s still limping a little, but it´s gotten better. 

At least I could save her. 

I know, that if I couldn´t have gotten her out in time, I wouldn´t have made it either.

Sighing, I cross the street and put on a smile, before she notices me. She starts hobbling in my direction, until we meet in the middle and she wraps her arms around me, holding me close, as if to make sure, I don´t leave again. 

God, I´ve missed her. 

“Clarke.” She exhales, still not letting go of me. 

“Hey, Raven. Congratulations, by the way.” 

“Thank you for coming.” 

“Didn´t have much of a choice. I guess, you would´ve missed your own wedding, to drag me down here.”

“Damn right.” She answers, finally letting go and taking a step back. I know, what she´s going to say, before she does. “You look like shit.” 

“I know.”

Suddenly her face changes, her smile is replaced by a concerned frown. “How are you doing?” 

She´s been asking me this question for the last year and a half and she never got more than a shrug. So she get´s it today, too.

“You know, you saved my life that night.” 

“And you saved mine. I guess we´re even.” I reply, thinking about the darkest day of all. I can barely remember it, but what I do know, is pretty dark and heavy. Raven found me completely drunk, a drug cocktail in my hands, a month after the funeral. She disposed it in the toilette and we never spoke about it again. 

“We´ll talk about it later, yeah? Now you have to meet my future wife. And don´t tell any embarrassing stories, okay? She knows enough.”

I know, what she´s trying to do and I´m grateful, but it doesn´t work. Being here can´t be eased by anything. But I put on a smile nevertheless and nod, before I follow her inside. 

It hasn´t changed a lot, but that´s not really surprising, since Raven isn´t exactly one to decorate or anything. Just a few more pictures, showing the crew and the happy couple, between some old and familiar ones. It´s not hard to discover the ones with Luna in it, but it feels like a punch in the gut, because I haven´t looked at any pictures of her since… yeah. 

“Clarke?” 

I can feel my eyes burning, when I swallow all the mixed feelings I get, while looking at my little sisters face. There are so many photos of her. It´s so unreal, that she isn´t going to be here tomorrow. Most of the time it feels like I´ve just stepped out of my life that September night, but returning home shows me the cold truth.

“Hey.” Raven says quietly and carefully, tapping my shoulder to catch my attention. 

“I´m sorry.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

Yes, I do. But I put on a smile again. “Where´s your wife to be?” 

“Here.” An unfamiliar voice answers. 

A tall, athletic looking woman with dark blonde hair, high cheekbones and a genuine smile appears behind Raven. Both women share a smile for a moment, before I extend a hand. 

“We´re family. Get in here.” Anya answers, shaking her head and pulling me into a hug. “Nice to finally meet you. Part of me thought, this one made up all the stories about the two of you.” She points towards Raven.

I can´t help but chuckle, as Raven fakes indignation and snorts. 

“And I´m happy that someone could tame her. I doubted, it would be possible.” I reply smiling. 

“Alright, I regret introducing you two already.” Raven states. “Did you have dinner, Clarke? Because we just started cooking and by we, I mean her, because I´d set the kitchen on fire, you know that.” 

“Glad to see some things don´t change.” I answer, trying to cover up the sadness behind the short sentence with a smile. “And no, I haven´t. Can I help with anything?”

“Clarke´s an amazing cook.” Raven announces.

“Well then, you´re welcome to join me. This one isn´t really helpful.” Anya says, pointing at her fiancé again, while we move our conversation to the kitchen. “She ruins pancakes. Who ruins pancakes?” 

I shrug playfully. “You´re the one marrying her. By the way, why aren´t you separated and all the stuff? Isn´t that tradition?” 

“Because I´m too amazing to be left alone.” Raven comments, sitting on the kitchen counter. She´s already planning to be a distraction, like she´s always doing. Somehow the thought of normality hurts, but at the same time it´s really comforting. 

“We´ll be separated in a few hours. My sister´s coming to get me before midnight. And a few of the girls are going to come over.” Anya responds to my question, rolling her eyes at Raven. 

“Oh, would you two like to be left alone?” I take an opportunity, when I get one. 

“No, no, Griffin, you´re not going anywhere. You stay right here, where I can see you. You don´t really think, I´d let you out of my sight, right?” She shakes her head, unbelieving. 

And with that, I resign with a loud sigh and accept my fate.

.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

A few hours in the evening, about eleven o´clock, the door bell rings. And because Raven and Anya are practicing their dance in the living room, I get up to open the door, leaving both of them alone with great pleasure. 

They aren´t exactly dancing anymore – more like dry humping – and I don´t want to watch that. 

I expect Octavia and some of the girls, but I couldn´t be more wrong. 

I´m rewarded with a beautiful woman in front of me. Legs for days in black jeans, a black leather jacket hiding the rest of her body, feminine and soft features, full (really kissable) lips forming a cheeky smile, adorable dimples and most of all: jade green eyes, staring right into mine. She´s gorgeous. 

I swallow – probably visible.

But the worst and at the same time the best part of it is: I know this woman. 

I spent years, dreaming about her – and when I say years, I mean years. I was wondering, where she is, how she´s doing, how her life looks like. 

And the craziest thing about it? It´s been nearly exactly six years, since I´ve seen her last and she´s even more beautiful, if that´s possible. 

March 12th 2011.

“Lexa.” I say, after I´ve found my voice again. “What are _you_ doing here?”

"Clarke?"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Don´t get used to daily updates on this one. I won´t be able to upload as regular as I did on my other story, because I haven´t written in yet and writing sadly doesn´t follow a schedule. 
> 
> We´ll learn about their past soon, promise.
> 
> Hope, you like it. Let me know, what you think!  
> And: Merry Christmas to everyone (just in case)!
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

“Lexa.” I say, after I´ve found my voice again. “What are you doing here?”

“Clarke?” She asks, really astonished. 

Part of me is surprised, that she still remembers me. Part of me is happy, that she does. Part of me… I don´t know. My brain is too focused on ignoring the pictures in my head, which pop up every time I think about her. 

“Wow.” I exhale. “It´s been a while.”

Lexa chuckles and dear god, it´s really adorable. “Yeah. It´s a small world, hm?”

“You could say that. It´s good to see you again.”

“You too, Clarke.”

We stare at each other, both thinking about our previous encounter, getting lost in each other’s eyes for a moment.

“Why are you here?” I ask finally.

“I´m here for Anya. My sister.”

“Come in then.” I answer, after I came back to my senses, opening the door a little further, so she can step in. “I´m not sure, you´ll get them separated, but have your try.”

Lexa frowns, but follows my instructions, only to find the two of them in the middle of a heated make out session. She groans, when she turns around, clearly a little disgusted of her sister and her future wife. 

“Well, that´s not at all surprising.”

“Want something to drink?” I offer, because how I know Raven, she´s going to make good use of the hour left. And I´m not going to watch. 

Besides, we have a tradition of meeting over a drink.

“Yeah, why not.”

Lexa follows me into the kitchen, taking off her jacket. I notice, she´s still wearing the same watch. And she´s still sexy as hell.

“Beer?” I ask, trying not to stare at the skin exposed by the movement and even more trying to not think about six years ago. “Or something else? Wine? Whisky? Ravens refrigerator tends to contain only alcoholic things.” Like mine.

“Beer is just fine.” She answers, sitting down on one of the barstools.

I put a bottle in front of her, before I pour myself a glass of wine and take a seat next to her. So many questions pop up in my head, there are so many things I´d like to know about her. 

But before I can start a conversation, the stereo in the living room changes the song and for a moment, I´m frozen. 

The song playing was one of Lunas last favorites. Never come back again, from Austin Planes. 

She discovered it a few weeks before the accident, saying it reminds her of her time traveling. She listened to the song night and day – and we shared an apartment, so I listened to it, too. So many happy memories are connected to this song and within a few seconds they´re all back.

Luna dancing in the kitchen, completely lost in thoughts. 

The way she threw her head back, when she laughed really hard. 

Without noticing, I´m grabbing the glass of wine with so much force, that it breaks. I don´t even feel the pain, all I see is a wild and frantic flood of pictures and snapshots, chasing each other through my mind. 

Luna laughing, making faces, taking selfies with all of us, fire, the car, Ravens unconscious figure next to me, Lunas silhouette screaming for Derek and then for me, pain, heat, fear, and then it starts all over again. 

Random memories, mixed with each other, followed by a single one. 

I don´t notice the music stopping or Lexa grabbing my wrist, carefully pulling the fragments of glass out of my hand, before she wraps it in a clean towel. 

I don´t notice the three of them scurrying around the kitchen.

All I know is, I can´t breathe and something seems to wrap itself around my lungs. I´m feeling like suffocating and I can´t stop it. 

“Clarke.”

Lunas screams echo through my head and I try to shut out the sounds from my ears, but I fail, because they aren´t real. But why do the feel so real? 

“Make… her… stop. I don’t… I can´t…” I can feel myself hyperventilating and fear creeps through my veins. I can´t breathe. Sheer panic spreads in my brain. 

“Shhh. Focus on my voice, Clarke. Can you hear me? Everything´s going to be okay in a few seconds.” Someone tells me, their voice calm and soothing. “Yes, that´s it. Now tell me, can you feel that?” 

My unharmed hand is carefully taken away from my ear and placed against soft skin. I can feel it moving. Someone´s breathing? I manage a nod. 

“Okay, I want you to copy it. Inhale, exhale. Yeah, that´s it. You´re doing great.” 

Inhale. Luna screams. Exhale. She´s spinning me around, a big smile plastered all over her face. Inhale. The voices soften. Exhale. 

“Now tell me, if you can feel that, too. Can you do that? Keep breathing. Inhale, exhale.” The calm voice continues, something small and soft is sketching figures on the back of my hand. A finger?

I nod again. I can feel that.

“What am I drawing? Is it a little heart or a circle? Tell me.”

I try to focus and suddenly, just a second later, I´m breathing again. And the next second I´m crying and sobbing in Lexas arms. 

“I´m so sorry, Clarke.” Raven whispers, her hands rubbing circles on my back, trying to comfort me. But I don´t even notice her. “I´m sorry, I haven´t been thinking, I… I´m so sorry.” 

It´s really embarrassing to cry in a Lexas arms, but I can´t move nor stop right now and she holds me steady, whispering calming words, like: “It´s okay. Just keep breathing. Inhale. Exhale. That´s all you need to focus on right now. You´re safe.”

A loud knock on the front door startles me, nearly giving me the next panic attack, but Lexa keeps her arms wrapped around me, not even caring about it. 

“Raven, show me her room. She needs a break.” She says determined. 

I don´t hear an answer, but suddenly I´m lifted into strong arms and before I know it, I´m already asleep. 

Something about this woman soothes my injured soul, like it did six years ago.

 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

When I open my eyes, I wonder where I am for a brief moment. And then I remember, what happened the day before. Polis. Ravens house. Lexa. The song. The panic attack. I can still feel the exhaustion in my bones. 

“Sorry, I didn´t mean to wake you.” A voice says quietly. 

And I´m sitting straight up. What the hell? 

Lexa is sitting in an armchair in the corner of Ravens guestroom. It seems pretty uncomfortable. Why is she here? Still? In my room? Did she stay there the whole night? 

A lot of questions pop up in my exhausted brain. 

“And sorry again, I didn´t mean to scare you.” 

“I´m…” I try, but I can´t formulate a sentence.

She smiles lovingly. 

“What are you doing here?” I ask a few seconds later. Still not my best moment, but at least it´s a complete sentence. 

“You had a panic attack and you fell asleep in my arms, when I carried you upstairs. So I brought you to bed and stayed, in case you needed something. Don´t worry, I wasn´t the one who changed your clothes. That´s all on Raven.” 

I look down on my body and find myself wearing sweats and an old t-shirt. 

Suddenly I realize, that I´ve slept. I´ve slept a whole night. I´ve slept like a normal human being without a nightmare or anything. I didn´t even take a pill. To be honest, I can´t even remember the last time, that this happened. 

“Thank you. I´ve… Wow.” 

She frowns. “You okay?” 

“Yeah.” I answer, trying to sort my thoughts. And: to ignore the beauty staring at me. “Since you´ve seen me in my second worst state, I can tell you, that I haven´t slept a whole night in months. I´m… feeling okay, I guess?”

“Is that a question?” 

“I don´t know. I´m… a bit embarrassed and… I better stop talking now.” 

She chuckles. “You´re doing great. I need half an hour after waking up, before you hear a straight sentence coming out of my mouth. And you have no reason to be embarrassed. A panic attack isn´t funny, but it´s a human instinct. You can´t do anything about it.” 

“Still. I´m sorry, you had to witness this.” 

“Don´t be. It doesn´t change a thing about you.” She replies, but I´m not sure, what she wants to say with this, so I decide to change the topic. 

“How late is it?” 

“Around eleven. Raven is getting her hair done right now. She´s downstairs with lots of squealing girls. Kind of annoying, if you ask me.” 

She really makes me smile. Hasn´t happened that much lately. 

“I can picture that. And Anya? Don´t you have to be with her right now? She´s your sister, you should-”

“I´ll join her. Just wanted to make sure, you´re okay.” Lexa interrupts me, but she doesn´t move a muscle, as if she was waiting for something. “Are you? Okay, I mean?” 

There I go smiling again. What is it she´s doing with me? It´s not like I´ve been living in a depressive hole for the last months, but I haven´t smiled a lot. And she´s making it so easy. “Yeah. Thank you. Can I repay you for that somehow?” 

Lexa bites her bottom lip for a split second, before she smirks. “How about a dance today at the party? I´d say, then we´re even.”

“Yes, I´d love to.” Ooops. Maybe that was a little too much. 

Another smirk, before she gets up and reaches for the door knob. “Me too, Clarke. See you at the wedding.”

And then she´s gone, just like that. 

Did I dream the whole thing? I mean, I wanted to meet her again for so long and now… Maybe I´m crazy. 

 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

After a cold shower to get my brain to work right, I make my way downstairs. 

The living room is filled with laughter and giggles, as I stop in the doorway. An empty bottle of champagne stands on the table by the couch. Next to a pink present box. 

I smile. Octavia promised to make Ravens wedding at least a little bit cheesy. 

Octavia and Harper have their hands in Ravens hair – which is quite surprising, because no one touches Ravens hair. Guess, this day´s an exception. 

Harper any Niylah are taking a selfie, a bright smile on their faces. 

“Hey.” I say, quietly. 

Everybody turns around and before I know it, I´m wrapped in a big group hug. 

“Hi, Griffster.” Octavia says.

“Clarke.” Niylah whispers softly.

“Finally!” Raven comments, but I can hear the relief in her voice. After all, she understands my pain the best.

“Hey.” Harper says. Last time I´ve seen her, was Lunas funeral. She came back from overseas for it. I give her much credit for it.

When they finally let go of it, the mood isn´t as light as before anymore. One of the many reasons I didn´t want to come today. 

“What can I do?” I ask, to break the tension. 

 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Raven wants pizza for lunch – very festive, if you´d ask me. 

But the bride gets, whatever she wants today, so Harper and Octavia drive off to get the pizza for us, which leaves me with Niylah and Raven. 

“I´m sorry for yesterday.” Raven tells me, as soon as we´re alone. “I-”

“It´s okay, Ray. It happens sometimes. Wasn’t your fault.” 

I don´t want to talk about it. In fact, I´d like to pretend it never happened, because it would make everything easier. Just get through the wedding and then return to Ton Dc. Where no one asks me how I´m doing.

“Yes, it was.” She disagrees. “I wasn´t thinking about how hard it all must be for you. All I thought about was how badly I wanted you to be here, after all we´ve been through together.”

“And I want to be here. At least the biggest part of me. Don´t worry.”

Raven and Niylah, who has been listening quietly, exchange a look. 

“But I am worried. We all are.” 

“Do you really want to have that talk today? On your wedding day?” I raise my voice involuntarily. “I know, I should get over it! I know it! But I… I just can´t, okay? Not yet! So, just stop it, okay? Please.”

“Clarke. We all loved her. We all miss her. Take your time. We´re all here for you. No one is judging you.” Niylah intervenes, her tone as gentle as ever, grabbing my hands, but I pull them back, not being able to endure closeness. 

“No?” I glare at both of them.

Raven shakes her head. “Thank you. For being here. For trying.” She says. 

Yeah. Trying is the right word to use. I feel, like I´ve been trying for months now, without making any progress. Except maybe last night. 

“Can we… not talk about it anymore? Not today?” 

Both of them nod – but not without exchanging another worried look. 

I hate being the pitiful, poor and broken one, everyone´s walking on eggshells around. I hate it and I don´t want it. I´d like to be someone else, just for one day. One day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! Here´s my present :D  
> I wanted to thank you for the amazing Feedback, let me know what you think. 
> 
> Next chapter we´ll learn about their past - finally :)
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.
> 
> .-.-.

Have you ever seen someone and known in this moment, that you would never forget this person? That´s my thought, when I see Lexa standing next to her sister, being her maid of honor. I won´t ever forget this woman. 

And it´s not the first time, that thought crossed my mind – it´s already been there six years before and has been true.

Yes, I should listen to the words the registrar is saying. I should be focusing on my duties as Ravens maid of honor, too. But all I can do, is stare at the woman in this jade green dress, that matches her eyes so perfectly, that it has to be made for this occasion. 

Lexa doesn´t seem to be one to wear dresses often, but she could probably wear a garbage bag and she would still look stunning.

It´s a small ceremony, just the paperwork and the families and closest friends, but Anya managed to get Raven in a white dress, so it has at least some festive atmosphere. 

The celebration takes place in a big marquee down by the ocean. It was Anya’s wish and Raven happily agreed. She´s always loved the water. That´s one of the few things we have in common, I guess.

Throughout the evening, I notice, that Anya and Raven are really in love. The can´t take their eyes off of each other, they can´t keep their hands to themselves and I´ve seen them getting lost in each other’s eyes more than once. I´m truly happy for them. Raven deserves the best and Anya seems to be perfect for her.

That´s what I tell them, when it´s time for my speech. Most part of it is improvised, but it doesn´t matter, because what I say, comes straight from the heart and it leaves Ravens eyes glistening with tears. 

I guess, I did everything right.

When I´m done, I stay for Lexas speech, but I don´t hear a word, because occasions like this make me miss my sister even more. She would´ve loved this wedding. Even the cheesy pink balloons and all the speeches. She believed in this “one true love” thing, she found hers during highschool. 

I´m not sure I do.

And I haven´t had enough alcohol to deal with my parents, who are waiting for an opportunity, to talk with me. I´ve avoided them so far, but… I won´t be able to do that for much more time.

So when Lexa has finished her speech, I excuse myself and make my way out of the tent, before my mother approaches me. 

It´s wrong. A year ago, she accused me of making her feel like she lost both her daughters that night. Maybe she did.

 

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

I follow a path down towards the water and sit down on the small web, my toes touching the water surface. I haven´t been down by the ocean for a while now, but the salty smell is still familiar and calming. 

“Are you avoiding our dance?” A voice breaks the silence. Lexa has followed me. 

Somehow I´m not surprised.

“No. I just… had to get away for a few minutes.” 

“Your speech was great. I didn´t know, Raven was such a… how do you even name it?” She laughs and shakes her head in disbelieve. 

“Thank you. Yours, too.” 

Lexa sits down next to me. She takes of her high heels and puts them beside her, before she dips her feet into the water. “Uuh, it´s cold.” 

“Yeah. You´ll get used to it.”

She seems… happier, than six years ago. Maybe she truly found, what she´s been looking for. Maybe she was right, after all. I made her feel like living again and just now I understand, what she meant with that – because I can feel a spark of life in my tired heart, since I´ve looked into her eyes again. 

“Why do you avoid your parents?” She suddenly asks. 

“That obvious?” It´s just for winning time, but I know, it won´t work. Because somehow Lexa sees right through me. She sees me. It´s… intimidating, but at the same time it feels wonderful. 

Besides, we never did Smalltalk. Okay, we didn´t talk much back then.

She just nods, her face stoic, waiting for me to answer her question. 

“I´m sure, Raven or Anya told you about… the accident?” It´s still hard to talk about it. But I tell her nevertheless. “I´m calling once a week. It´s all I can take. I know, they would try to talk to me about her, but I… I can´t.” 

I can´t even say her name without that suffocating feeling coming back.

“Your sister?” She asks, but I´m sure, she knows. Everybody does, it´s been all over the news and my family is well known in the area, so… it´s no secret. 

“Yeah. Luna.” I did it. I said her name.

“You´ve probably heard it a lot, but I´m still gonna say it. I´m really sorry, Clarke.” The way she pronounces my name gives me goosebumps. And somehow her condolences are reaching my brain. Her words have meaning. 

I can feel my eyes watering almost the second she said it, but I won´t give in. Not now. 

“Can I… tell you something? About that night?” I ask quietly, my eyes focused on the darkness in front of me. 

I have no idea, why I want to tell her, but I need to speak about it, because it´s killing me. It´s slowly draining every drop of life out of me. And I feel that crazy urge to tell her.

“I haven´t told anyone before, not even my therapist. Can I trust you to keep it a secret?”

“Promise.” She says. 

She still seems to be a woman of few words, but maybe that´s the reason, why I trust her. I know literally nothing about her, but it hasn´t felt that way six years before and it doesn´t feel like that now. 

So I take a deep breath and I start my story, eyes closed, as I remember every little detail. “Luna wasn´t unconscious that night, after the accident. She was awake.”

Lexa takes my hand into hers, drawing soothing circles on the back of my hand. 

And I tell her everything. I tell her, how the car overturned, how I regained consciousness and how I tried to feel a pulse on Ravens neck, how Luna screamed her boyfriends name. How I dragged Raven out of the car and turned around to get my sister, how the car caught fire. How I ran to get Luna out of there, too. How she screamed my name. How the heat burned my right forearm, when the car exploded right in front of my eyes. 

Once I´m done, I fall silent.

When she finally speaks, her voice is full of empathy. “You did everything you could. Because of you, Raven got a second chance. She could get married today, because you saved her life, Clarke.” 

I know that. Rationally. 

But Lexa isn´t done yet. “And I don´t know if anybody ever told you, but thank you. Thank you, for saving her. You did good.” 

_You did good. You. Did. Good._

The words echo through my head a dozen times, before I realize, that they are true. I did well. I did everything I could. I´ve saved a life.

I tried and Luna knew that. She saw me running for her. She didn´t know, I wouldn´t make it. 

It´s this realization, which breaks the dam. 

When the tears I´ve been keeping for so long start to fall, Lexa wraps her arms around me, as if she did that our whole lives. And it doesn´t feel wrong or strange to tell her about that night. To let myself be comforted by this beautiful stranger, I barely know. 

No. I feel safe. 

It has to be a strange picture for anyone watching – two girls in dresses, wrapped up in a tight embrace, one crying, the other one comforting. After all, weddings should make people laugh, not cry, right?

She keeps holding me, long after I´ve stopped crying. We just stay in this position, staring into the darkness, and none of us says a word for a while. 

When I pull back, I´m feeling like myself again. A huge burden has been lifted of my shoulders with just a few words. 

“Thank you.” I say, even though two words can barely express the gratefulness I´m feeling for her. “You can´t-”

“It´s okay, Clarke. You don´t have to thank me. I know.”

She´s smiling reassuring, but there´s a hint of a smirk in it, so I know, we´re leaving the sad topic behind for the night. I´m grateful for that, too.

“Then let´s go back to the party. I believe, I owe you a dance, don´t I?” 

“You sure?”

I get up and offer my hand. “Yeah. I want to.”

 

\-----

 

I haven´t noticed the time passing. But when we return to the party, a lot has changed. The music, the alcohol level, the way of dancing. It´s definitely a party now. And I plan on drowning in that feeling and in the woman who´s still holding my hand. 

I don´t mind at all. In fact, it´s quite the opposite. 

I grab a glass of champagne and finish it, while guiding her to the dance floor. 

“Woah, easy there.” She comments, laughing. She´s got a beautiful, carefree laugh. It brings back the memory of one of the best nights of my life. It reminds me of soft kisses, of light touches, of feeling eternal. 

It reminds me of a summer breeze down by the ocean, of the salty smell in the air. Somehow it makes me want to paint, to catch the feeling on a canvas. I haven´t painted in a while. 

“Dance with me.” I answer, after I´ve put the glass on a near table, still not letting go of her hand. “Please?” 

“You don´t have to ask.” 

The beat flows easily through my body. Lexas hands find their way to my hips without second guessing and just a few moments later our bodies are moving as one. I can´t take my eyes off of her. She´s so beautiful. She radiates self-confidence and peace. And I could lose myself in her arms. 

No, I can. I do. I lose myself a little more with every step we take, with every turn. Every time she pulls me close again, I´m giving away a small, tiny piece of me. 

It should be scary, terrifying even. But honestly? It´s the exact opposite. I´ve been on the verge of going crazy for the last eighteen months and I haven´t felt that carefree in a long, long time. Truthfully, I have never felt like that. 

There´s something about this woman, that´s drawing me in. Again.

I notice the little things. How perfectly our bodies fit together. How her hands feel on my body. How close her face is. How her eyes never leave mine, like I´m the only other person in the room. And I am. Because she is the only other person I can see. 

We keep moving and turning and laughing and holding each other close for what feels like an eternity. 

Hunger and desire starts to ignite something in my bones. And I want nothing more, than to give in to this feeling. I want to kiss her so badly, that I can´t focus on anything else anymore. 

Because I still remember, what they felt like.

“Clarke.” She whispers in my ear. 

“Yeah?”

“We… we have to stop. I…” She tries to say, but she seems to have the same problems I have right now. Thinking straight would be one of them. 

I stop dancing, but I don´t let her go. 

“Do you want to? Stop, I mean?” I ask quietly. I hope she can´t feel my heart beating, but I guess there´s no chance in hiding it. So I just wait, hoping to hear a no, praying. 

God, I want her so badly. But not just for now or for a night. I want her. I´ve wanted her for so long, knowing I won´t see her again. But her she is.

“I…” And then she bites her bottom lip and I´m officially screwed. 

I cross the small, remaining distance without hesitation and press my lips against hers. I don´t care about the people around us – in fact I´ve totally forgotten about them. All I know is, that her lips are moving against mine. 

She´s kissing me back. 

 

\----

 

“Hey, guys, that´s disgusting. It´s a dance floor. Get yourself a room.” A voice breaks us apart. 

Raven is standing next to us, together with her wife, both have a devilish grin on her face, enjoying their position a bit too much for my liking. 

I blush, but Lexas hand finds mine and squeezes it reassuringly. We share a brief smile and I get lost in her green eyes for a moment. 

Until Raven decides to ruin it – again. “You´re gross. Honestly, stop the eye-fucking and get a room. No one wants to watch that.” 

“Then don´t.” Lexa answers, completely relaxed and calm, not even the slightest bit embarrassed. She´s something else for sure. “Besides, who´s been making out all evening in front of everyone?” 

“We´re newlyweds. We have every right to do so. We´re kinda expected to do that. And it´s already pretty late, so if you excuse us. I plan on fucking my beautiful wife´s brains out now. See ya in the morning. Don´t do things I wouldn´t!” Raven answers and with that, she waves and turns around, tugging Anya with her. 

Now Lexa makes a face – a really disgusted one – and I can´t help but join in. I never wanted to know these things. 

“Well…” She says, smirking again. 

“Well…” I repeat. “Do you want to get out of here?” 

Lexa tugs a loose strand of hair behind my ear, her hand remaining on my cheek a few seconds longer than necessary. “I do. But… I´d like to take you out, if you let me.”

“Like on a date?” I ask. I´m pretty sure, I´ve heard wrong. 

“Yes. Would you? Go on a date with me, I mean?” Suddenly she doesn´t seem full of confidence anymore, her eyes are filled with insecurity. And it´s really adorable. 

“I´d love to.” I hear myself answer, before I even know it. “Tomorrow?” 

Now she´s smiling brightly and the whole room seems to light up. At least for me, because I´m really happy and that´s a wonderful, exciting feeling, I´ve almost forgotten about. 

“You mean tomorrow-tomorrow or today-tomorrow? Because it´s past midnight.” 

Okay now I´m definitely grinning from ear to ear. “Today-tomorrow?” 

“How about breakfast?” 

She´s moving fast. But I don´t care, because if you´d ask me, I would go on that damn date right now, just to be able to kiss her again right afterwards. 

“Sounds great.”

“I´ll pick you up at… ten?” She suggests. “This way you can sleep in, but-”

“I can´t. Sleep in, I mean.” I say, before I can stop myself.

Lexa frowns. “You did last night.”

I blush again, not wanting to embarrass myself any further. But on the other hand, she´s seen me in a really worse state already – twice, to be honest. 

“Yes, I did. But…” I try to find an answer, which isn´t too creepy or too fast forward. But it isn´t that easy, because the truth is: somehow, I feel a connection between the both of us and I´ve already felt it from the moment our eyes met years ago.

“But you weren´t alone.” She finishes my sentence. 

I nod. 

Lexa watches my face with so much intensity, that it gives me goosebumps again. “Do you want me to come over and keep you company? Ravens house is empty and if you want, I could stay over. If it´s not too much or to freaky. I mean-”

“You would do that?” 

She shrugs. “Of course. If you want to.” 

I have nothing to lose, right? And I really need some sleep. Having slept a night makes my mind and my body ache for more. I haven´t got a clue, how I managed so many sleepless nights over the last months. 

Plus: I don´t want her to go. 

“Yes.” I answer, smiling, and take her hand. 

I want to be close to her so badly. I want to get lost in her. And I want to hold her and to be held the way she did all those years ago. 

_March 12th, 2011._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> six years ago...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I´m sorry for not updating my other story for the last days.  
> Holidays tend to drive me crazy (Family and Christmas ends in a disaster every year, but I love them... most of the time) and studying takes a lot of my time, too.
> 
> So you get a chapter on this story, because I´ve already had a version of this. Maybe it´ll make up for the following days, too. 
> 
> Tell me your thoughts! 
> 
> And: smut warning ;)
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> .......

####  March 11th, 2011 – Clarke. 

...

Coming home always meant something to me, since I was little. Most of my life, I shared my home with my parents and my sister of course. It held all my memories, all the important stories I could tell about my life. 

My room changed a lot over the years. It witnessed all the mayor changes in my life. Starting with Raven and Octavia becoming my best friends in kindergarten, the walls witnessed the three of us (and my sister) growing up. 

Us gossiping about our crushes; Raven telling us about her first love Finn and Octavia talking about her boyfriend Lincoln; me coming out as bisexual to them at the age of fifteen, before I told my parents. Me, falling for a girl named Niylah. Ravens breakup with Finn on new year’s eve during our senior year and a year and a half later me finally confessing, that I developed feelings for Finn – followed by all kinds of drama, before everyone got used to us dating during college. 

All the fights and the laughter still stuck in those walls. 

But despite all the changes in my life, my home stayed my home. The safe bubble I could return to after a long and hard day.

Now my home is a little house, just a few blocks away. I moved in with Raven and Octavia after we went to college. For the last six months, my sister joined us there, only to leave for another adventure two weeks ago. This time, it´s Nashville.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

It´s spring break now and I´m working at a diner to earn some money. It isn´t the job of my dreams, but I won´t complain. It pays the bills. Mostly my art supplies.

It´s Friday night, as I return home, and the house is full of people. I took two shifts today, so I would have the weekend off to spend some time with my boyfriend.

But I´m sure, no one told me, that I would be hosting a party tonight. 

Loud music echoes from the building as I make my way towards the door. There´s a smell of beer in the air, I notice weary and dull. Some people are dancing or making out against the walls. I hate it. I hate them. 

I recognize a few faces, but I don´t want to join the party. In fact, I want to cuddle up in bed and sleep of the bad day I had. And my feet are killing me, so of course, that´s a reason, too.

Finn told me he would be home for the weekend – which is a welcome and rare distraction. I have been full of anticipation at the thought of being able to spend some time with him, until the second I parked my car. 

I didn´t take his message, telling me he´d be home, as: let´s have a party. 

I know, I haven´t had much time for him the past months. So I had some ideas in mind. But all of them fade with the music and the smell of alcohol.

Frustrated I walk upstairs, without looking for him, climbing the stairs to my room pretty exhausted. 

_Somewhere in my drawer there has to be a bottle of tequila._ The thought makes me smile. Maybe that will lighten my mood. 

I´ve just opened my door, as I see them. Two people, having sex in my bed. 

_In. My. Bed._

What the fuck?

The door crashes into the shelf next to it and the sound gets their attention immediately. As soon as I can see their faces, I fall into shock, unable to move.

It´s not just that there are two people having sex in my bed. It´s Finn, making out with none other than Raven. My so called best friend. 

I don´t hear a word they say, as both grab the clothes they´ve lost, putting them back on. I don´t notice Finns hand finding my cheeks as he tries to make me look at him. I don´t see Raven, who´s clearly wasted, staggering towards me, guilt and fear writing all over her face. 

It takes exactly seventeen seconds for me to realize what I had just witnessed. 

I don´t know why I´m counting. Self-protection reflex, I think? 

After seventeen seconds my body responds to my brain screaming to get out of here as soon as possible. Numb and dazed I turn around, shoving Finn of wordlessly. 

“Clarke, wait, I-” 

I don’t want to hear her say it. Ravens words are slurred, but not enough to justify what I hat just witnessed. I run downstairs, straight into the living room, pulling out the plug of the stereo in a sudden attack of anger. 

“Everyone, get out. Now!” I shout, still shocked, throwing an empty bottle of beer in Finns direction as he enters the room. It misses him, but I´m not sure I wanted it to. 

The people Finn invited leave on instant. But he stays, standing in the doorway behind a crying Raven. Fucking coward. 

The only thought crossing my mind is: a busted bubble. Not only did my boyfriend of two years cheat on me in my bed, with my best friend, who happened to be his ex. He did it in my sacred home. 

“Clarke, I´m so sorry, I didn´t-” Raven tries to say. She seems so have sobered enough to manage a straight sentence. Guess, that´s what guilt does to you.

“Save it.” 

My mind is still processing, but I can feel anger rising in my chest. Anger because of a betrayal, that hurt me deep down. 

“Could someone explain what happened?” Octavia asks confused, entering the living room through the patio door just now, dragging Lincoln with her. Probably because of the missing music. 

“Clarke-” 

“Don´t you dare saying my name! Don´t you dare, Raven! Get out now or I swear, you´ll regret it!” I take another bottle and throw it across the room in their direction.

“Please, honey-” Finn tries, both hands raised in the air.

“I want you to leave. Both of you.” I manage to say to Finn and Raven, ignoring the question. “And I want your room empty by tomorrow morning! Or you know what? I´ll leave.”

That´s when I can´t take it anymore. I run back upstairs, grabbing the nearest bag. As I shuffle through my drawers I can hear shouting, first Octavia, then Raven, then Finn and then suddenly a scream, followed my some more shouting and then finally a door slams shut. 

I don´t care. That´s a lie. I cared. A lot. About both of them. 

I throw some things into the bag, mostly clothes. 

“Clarke?” Octavias voice is careful, nearly gentle, as she opens the door. 

I turn to face her. Her eyes roam my room, including the bedsheets. 

“I´m so sorry.” She wraps her arms around me and that´s the moment I notice, I´m crying. Crying over the loss of a boyfriend and a best friend in the same night. 

“I kicked him out. Raven too, at least for the night. We can talk in the morning.” She says after a few seconds. It doesn´t help at all. 

“Thanks.” I pull out of her embrace, because I´m not able to be near to anyone right now. 

“Don´t mind. I can´t believe they-” She stops, clearly trying to avoid the unavoidable. Quietly she watches me for a few seconds and I let her, before I leave my room. 

I lock it behind us and make my way downstairs, where Lincoln is waiting, holding ice against the knuckles of his left hand. 

“I punched him.” He says, not that he needed to explain. It´s just his way of saying something.

“Thanks.” 

“Where do you go?” Octavia finally asks sadly, as I make my way towards the door, grabbing my keys. 

Well, that´s a good question. I don´t want to face Raven or Finn, so I can´t stay in Polis. But all my friends are here, my life is here, my job, my house… 

Both wait for an answer. I appreciate, that none of them tries to get me to stay. Probably, because they know me well. I think about how some sudden events can change your life. 

And I make my decision. 

“I don´t know yet. You can decide, if you want her to stay or not. Rent the room in the basement, too. Pick someone you like, O. I´m leaving.” 

“Are you sure? Don´t you want to… process things?” She asks cautiously, clearly not wanting me to make a rush decision. Worry is written all over her face.

“Yeah, I am. I´m sorry.” I hug her and Lincoln and seconds later I´m sitting in my car. 

It´s time to finally do a few things from my list. 

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 

A few hours in the night I´m on the highway. 

Part of me feels bad for leaving Octavia behind just like that, but I know, if I don´t do it now, I never will. And I have to. 

When I get the chance, I refuel, take a break and buy some snacks to keep me going for a while. My mind is still racing, trying to make sense of what had happened. I´ve got a lot of messages, from Octavia, her brother Bellamy and of course from Raven and Finn. I don´t read any of them and focus on making a decision.

I am used to living on the safe side. Deciding on med school was a safe choice. Finn was a safe choice – at least I thought so. 

Luna always said, I should listen to my heart instead. She asked me about a hundred times, if I wanted to join her on her adventures. She would know what to do, but I don´t want to call her. Because talking over phone just doesn´t feel right. And because I´m the big sister, who´s always got everything under control.

You can do anything you want, she would say. Follow your heart. 

As if that was easy. 

But suddenly, I know where to go. 

 

-.-.-.-.-.-

 

I make my way over to the bar not far from the gas station. Fantastic idea, alcohol and driving next to each other. But somehow useful. Not, that I plan on driving tonight anyway, so I´ll drown my feelings it lots of alcohol.

It´s half past midnight, when I enter the small and somber bar. 

Since I am in the middle of nowhere there are almost no people. Just the bartender – a bearded, muscled guy in an oversized metal shirt, looking tough and creepy – and a trucker, clearly married to his beer. 

“Whisky. On the rocks.” I order, sitting down on a barstool at the end of the bar.

“Just a sec.” 

I bury my face in my hands, trying to wipe off the disgusting feeling of betrayal. It´s clearly not working, but hey, I´m at a bar in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere – who cares? 

I don´t, that´s for sure. 

A sudden movement pulls me out of my thoughts, as the bartender places my drink in front of me. 

“Thanks.” I say quietly.

“What´s a beautiful young lady like you doing out here by the middle of the night?” He asks. His smile surprises me. Suddenly he isn´t the dangerously looking guy anymore, instead he seems like a big, soft teddy bear. 

“Running.”

“Yeah, I figured. Aren´t we all? But I can tell you one thing. You won´t find your answers in there.” He motions towards the glass I´m taking. 

It´s oddly cold, but in a good way.

“I don´t want to find answers. I don´t even want the questions.” 

“Well, in that case…” He winks and leaves me alone. 

Within the next ten minutes I order a second one.

After a while I take out my mobile phone and keep staring at my screensaver for a moment. I don´t want to see their faces anymore. Raven laughing, Finn smiling at me, Octavia and Lincoln kissing… It´s a recent group picture we took the evening before Luna left town – once more. I´ve got lots of these.

It hurts. 

I want to change it. I can´t. I turn my phone upside down and keep drinking. 

“That seat taken?” A female voice asks me unexpectedly. 

A stunning, beautiful young woman sits down next to me, not waiting for an answer. She´s wearing light blue skinny jeans, a black top and a red and black checkered flannel over it. Her dark brown hair falls over her left shoulder. On her right wrist she´s got an expensive brand watch. She seems a little older than me and the look in her eyes tells me, that she has seen the dark side of life, too. Or maybe I´m just seeing negative things tonight.

“What can I get you?” The bartender asks. 

“The same that she has.” She answers, her voice clear, but cold. Not a bad cold, just a tired, worn out cold. “Okay, wait. Make it double.” 

“That bad?” See, the thing about me is, I say things first and think about them second.

The woman looks at me, a sarcastic smile breaking slowly through a massive layer of ice. It´s the first time I notice her emerald eyes and even though I had a bad day myself, they make it a lot better. They seem worth it. Am I crazy?

“Comes from the crying girl sitting in a bar after midnight at the end of the world.” 

“I´ll drink to that.” I say, sipping from my second whisky and making a face, when it burns all the way down to my stomach.

“So, crying girl. What brought you here?” She asks, surprising herself in the process. 

“Clarke. My name is Clarke.” Something about her is intimidating, but in a good way. Does that even make sense? I suppose not. “Let´s just say, some things meant more to me than it did to others.” 

She nods in agreement. “I know that feeling.” 

“What about you?” 

“Running from duties, I guess. But I decided to piss of my sister by doing a road trip.” 

I make a mental note about it.

“You haven´t told me your name yet. That’s rude, you know?” I point out, smirking. Something about her makes me feel lighter, calmer. 

“Yeah.” 

“Gonna tell me?” 

The brunette beauty shrugs her shoulders, taking a sip from her drink without a wince, her eyes never leaving mine. That doesn´t even confuse or irritate me. “Most people build opinions on names. And since we´re not going to meet again after this night, I don´t think, it´s necessary.”

She´s smiling by now and I can´t stop myself from taking in her face. Her delicate, yet craggy features are to die for. And I can´t help it, but the truth behind her words make me sad. 

“You´re really convinced of yourself, aren’t you?” 

“I´ve heard that before, yes.” 

“So what do you want to talk about?” I proceed, licking the last drops of my whisky from my lips. She watches my movement, smiling. 

Does she know how sexy she is? I wonder. 

God, the alcohol seems to kick in. My sober self doesn´t tend to have thoughts like that. Okay, that´s a lie. My sober self notices pure beauty in front of me, too. 

She´s leaning a bit closer, her eyes focusing on my lips for a split second. She smells hot. “I´m not really good with words.” Her answer feels provocative, almost flirting. Is she flirting? 

I can´t have that much luck tonight, not today. But, on the other hand, it´s another day, right? It´s past midnight.

“Then, what talents do you have?” 

I have to try. I can´t help myself, but I blame the alcohol. And my weakness for beautiful woman. And walking in on my boyfriend having sex with my best friend. Besides, this mysterious woman in front of me is sexy as hell. 

And I´m very single, very attracted and very wet. That´s embarrassing, but I´ve had too much to drink to care.

The woman smirks again and finishes her drink with one last sip, before she pulls out some cash. “Do you want to find out?” She asks, offering me a hand. 

There are plenty of things on my list, which I shouldn´t do right now. I shouldn´t pay for my drink and get up, for example. I shouldn´t take her hand. I shouldn´t follow her outside. But most of all? I shouldn´t follow her to her motel room without even knowing her name. 

But I do every single thing of that list.

I put some money right next to my glass. I take her hand – noticing, that it fits just right into mine – and follow her across the small parking lot towards a small motel, excitement boiling in my stomach. Yes, of course. She could be a serial killer. But her scent, her skin, her eyes – goddamn, I literally want to rip her clothes of right now. 

She opens the door to her room and lets me in first. A bed, a drawer, a tv. A simple motel room. 

I turn around and find myself being pulled into a kiss, before we even closed the door. I do it, while pressing her body against it only seconds later. Then I am pressed against the wall, her hands roaming my body freely. That´s how she wants to play it?

She moans into the kiss the second my tongue brushes over her bottom lip. It resonates through my whole body. Oh, how she tastes, a hint of whisky on her lips. 

I can feel my hoodie being tugged up and I raise my arms willingly, breaking our heated kiss just for a millisecond. 

Next I´m being shoved back to bed and falling on it only a second later. The stranger removes her shirt and her top and the next second my hands are on her hips, as she´s straddling me. I can feel her skin underneath my fingertips. Damn. 

Her lips wander down my neck, sucking and bruising the skin, but I don´t mind. I want her to take every inch of me and I´m ready to let her.

I can feel her hand fiddling with the button of my jeans, but she isn´t fast enough for my liking, so I take her hands away and do it myself. Then she pulls them of eagerly, before returning her lips to my body, starting just below my navel. 

Holy shit. 

My hips jerk up immediately. She grins daring, before grinding down intentional, ripping a moan from my throat. 

So she gets to tease me? I don´t think so. 

I pull her back up to kiss her perfect, soft lips. My hands roam her back until they unhook her bra. The simple movement rips a moan from her. I grin against her lips. 

I use her being distracted to flip us over. This time I´m sucking my way downwards, licking down between the valley between her breasts, making her gasp for air. 

I could get lost in the taste of her skin, so I take my time and make eye contact with her, before going down further towards her – holy shit, her abs. She´s got abs. Her trained body presses into mine and I´m losing it.

She hums her appreciation and bites her lips, followed by a moan as I drag her jeans and panties down her insanely long legs. I notice how wet she is and can´t help but feel turned on by that thought. 

She lays there calm and relaxed, in all her naked glory, staring at me with desire and want, while I take off my bra. She´s so damn beautiful. Her eyes are insanely green, but they are darker, than before. 

I return to kiss her lips, before I stare at her the whole night. I could probably do that and be happy. 

Lexas long fingers retrace the outline of my jaw, while her tongue begs for entrance. But I can´t wait anymore. I want to –

Suddenly I´m flipped over again, the beautiful stranger taking the lead once more and can´t do anything about it, as she pulls of my panties so slow, I want to scream. 

Slowly they reach my knees and I´d like to do something, but her body weight is keeping me from doing so. I´m completely out of control and she uses it to tease me. She´s evil. But so damn good at it.

“Please.” I hear myself beg. 

“Impatient much?” 

When they are finally gone, she spreads my legs to lay in between. Seconds later her lips find my nipples, sucking and licking and driving me crazy, while her hand slides down my stomach, aiming for my most intimate area. 

I suck in a deep breath, as it reaches it´s destination.

She runs her fingers through my wet folds, circling, exploring, testing, making me notice how close I already am. 

I moan loudly. I´ve never been touched this way before. 

“Tell me your name.” I pant.

“Why?” She whispers against my hot skin, not stopping to caress my breasts. 

“So I can scream it!” I answer, gasping and not able to stop my hips from jerking up anymore, searching for more friction.

She laughs. 

And that´s when I know I´m fucked. Well, that´s going to happen every moment, but I mean, I´m screwed. Because damn. That´s the most beautiful sound I´ve ever heard and I can picture myself getting addicted to it. Scratch that, I already am.

“That´s reason enough, I suppose.” She mumbles, sucking on my nipple, while her hands keep circling my clit. “It´s Lexa.”

The second she tells me her name, two of her long fingers enter me and a loud, needy moan follows. I´ve never been very vocal in bed, but no one – no one – found my spots the way this stranger does. Lexa finds them all, as her fingers slide in and out so very slow, it´s practically torture. She´s curling them just the right way, her lips suck on my breast and her free hand kneads the other.

My eyes squeeze shut as the tension grows. I can feel my orgasm approaching embarrassingly quickly, but every time I´m about to fall over the edge, she reduces speed even more.

“Lex! Please!”

She crawls back up, her fingers remaining inside of me. Her lips meet mine, just to trace her tongue to my pulse point, sucking and licking, leaving dark marks on my skin.

“You´re mean.” I groan, as she finds the small spot behind my ear. 

Lexa chuckles against my skin, enjoying the power she has over me a little bit too much. But I don´t mind. 

My mind is messy, lost. My heartbeat is so fast, it feels like it might explode, if this takes any longer. My skin is burning and a part of me wonders, why she isn´t on fire yet.

Slowly she starts moving her fingers again. The next moan she rips of my throat is even louder, but I can feel her panting against my skin, too. 

“Fuck, Lex.” I pant. “I´m close.”

And then, as if she knew it before, she finds my spot. And I won´t take any longer, as the muscles in my stomach begin to tighten. 

“Lexa!” I scream, as my walls clench harder around her fingers, than they ever did before. When my orgasm hits me, toppling me far over the edge – further, than I thought would be possible – stars explode behind my eyes and my back arches of the bed.

“I´ve got you.” She whispers against my throat, her fingers slowing their pace and bringing me back down perfectly.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we´ll pick up right where we left them...
> 
> Tell me what you think! 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> ___

...

“Hey.” She whispers, as I finally open my eyes minutes later. She´s laying close beside me, her lips tracing my shoulder every now and then, her fingers sliding across my stomach, leaving goosebumps behind. 

My whole body is hyper-sensitive.

I can feel her hot, velvety, silky skin against mine. I can feel her breasts rising and falling with every breath she takes. I can even feel her heartbeat.

“Wow.” 

“You could say that. You´re beautiful, when you come.” 

It doesn´t feel strange to be intimate with this stranger I know nothing about. Even sharing the afterglow of the most powerful orgasm I´ve ever had feels natural. 

“I´ve never done this before.” 

“What?” She asks surprised and amused. “Sex with a woman?” 

I laugh relaxed, looking straight into her beautiful emerald green eyes. “No. With a stranger. One-night stands.”

“Me neither.” Lexa says after a while, sadness clouding her beautiful eyes. 

“Hey, come here.” I cup her face and ghost a kiss on her lips, way too soft for the situation, if you ask me. But I can´t help it, there´s something about this woman that pulls me closer. It´s irresistible.

“What do you say, stranger. Want to go again? Because we´ve got the whole night.” She asks after sharing a deeper kiss, her smile sexy, her eyes darker. 

“Then I guess, it´s your turn.”

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 

####  March 12th, 2011 – Clarke. 

 

I need a few seconds to open my eyes, because I´m really exhausted. Damn. What a night. 

I remember every second of it so vividly, like it´s burned in my skin forever everywhere she touched me. Maybe it is. I won´t mind. But I´m sure as hell, that this was the best night of my life and I´m going to measure every following one by it. 

I roll around, only to find the other half of the bed empty and cold. 

She´s gone. 

Well, it has been a one-night stand, I know that. But it hurts nevertheless, because I won´t ever see her again. 

I stay in bed for a few more minutes, reveling in the memories I made last night, inhaling her scent on the pillow next to me, before getting in the shower. 

Lexa. The beautiful stranger. I wonder, if that´s her real name. I wonder about a lot of things, to be honest – where she´s living, what she´s doing, how she will spend her life. 

With the cold water running down my body, I remember the events from the day before. Twelve hours ago I´ve been in Polis on my way home. Now I´ve spent an amazing night with a stranger, who made me come more often in one night, than Finn did in five. 

And I´m feeling better in general. Free. Liberated. 

“Thank you, Lexa.” I mutter quietly to the room. 

 

\--

Down by the reception a woman with nerdy glasses and red hair greets me with a smile. “Room seven?”

I nod. 

“Taken care of. But I promised to give you this.” She hands me folded piece of paper, still smiling knowingly. 

“Thank you. Have a great day.” Or life, I suppose. 

The paper weighs heavily, as I make my way to my car. I lean against the hood, legs crossed, as I unfold the letter Lexa wrote. 

Her handwriting is elegant and generous. 

_Dear Clarke,_

_I´m sorry for leaving. I´m not good with goodbyes, they are bad luck to me and to the people around me. I wouldn´t wish it on you._

_Thank you for the night (sounds lame, I know). You´ve made me feel like living again, like I could breathe again. I haven´t felt like that in a long time. You remembered me, that life is about more than just surviving. So I mean it, when I say: thank you, with all of my heart._

_I wish you the best, I hope you find, what you´re looking for._

_May we meet again, stranger._  
_Lexa._

 

I feel tears welling in my eyes. Maybe, because it´s the most beautiful thing, someone ever told me. Maybe, because I´ve felt the same. But probably, because I won´t see her again and I feel like I´ve lost someone again – just this time without ever having a chance to change it. 

No. I can´t just leave it like this. An idea sparks in my head and I pull out my sketchbook to rip out a page at the end. Scribbling my name and my number on it, I walk back inside and do the strangest thing I´ve ever done. 

“Hey.” I say to the woman at the reception. “I know, it sounds really crazy, but… the woman, who left the letter, I don´t know. I just hope, she calls or comes back some time and I would like to leave my number, just in case. It´s really weird and…” 

“Yeah, I can do that.” She says, grinning wide. Probably, because she thinks I´m a freak. 

“Really?”

“You know, I´ve heard stranger things.” She shrugs. “But she looked sad, when she left and… I´ve got a feeling. So I´ll do it.” 

“Thank you. Really.” 

“No problem.”

I´m feeling sad, but at the same time I´ve increased the chances of seeing her again from zero to a tiny one. Better than nothing, right?

So I get back in my car and leave this place. Everything that happens from now on isn´t in my hands anymore. I never believed in fate or anything similar. But I want to believe, that there was a reason I got to meet Lexa. 

I pull out my phone, scrolling through some texts, not really reading most of them. I´m only answering Octavias worried message.

**O: where are you going? Pls, let me know, I´m really worried. Love you <3 **

**Me: I´m okay. Spent the night at a motel.**

It doesn´t take long, to receive another text. 

**O: at a motel? Are you sure, you want to go? She´s coming back later. I´ll kick her out if you want that. You could come back.**

**Me: I´m sure. I think, I´ll visit Luna for a few days. I don´t know, O. And I really don´t care, if she stays or goes. Do, what you want.**

**O: I´ll kick her ass for destroying everything, I promise.**

**Me: thanks. I´ll tell you, when I´m there. Love you too. <3 **

**O: <3<3 **

I shut off my phone and take a deep breath, before I start my car and drive back on the highway. 

I don´t know much right now, but I know one thing for sure: I won´t ever forget this beautiful stranger.

.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

.

####  March 12th, 2011 - Clarke 

.

Four days have passed, since I´ve had that… encounter with Lexa. If that´s her name. Five days, since I´ve left Polis and the betrayal behind.

I´ve taken my time, stopped, where I wanted, and did, what I wanted to do. 

Sounds like freedom, but it´s been lonely as hell.

Now, I´ve arrived at my goal. Nashville. I haven´t been to Nashville before, but I like the city already. It´s full of colors and life and I can easily picture my sister living here.

I haven´t picked up my phone in days, only send a few texts – mom, Octavia and Luna. I´ve simply told them, I´m okay.

A part of me just wanted to leave and never come back, to start over somewhere new. But since I´m not exactly adventurous, constantly broke and in med-school for quite some time now, it´s better, if I just take a break. Should do.

My phone buzzes and gets me out of my head. 

**Little Lou: Hey sis, why don´t you come up? I can see your rusty car.**

I smile and get out of my car. 

Luna´s living in a small yellow painted house together with her boyfriend Derek, whom she met in highschool. The two of them are the perfect couple – the one, you roll your eyes at and the one you envy deep down. He follows her everywhere or the other way around.

“Hey.” I say weakly, as Luna opens the door. 

“Clarke. I´ve been worried.” She tells me and wraps her arms around my neck. “I´m glad you´re here now.”

“Me too, little Lou.” 

Luna chuckles. “I see you´re not that bad, hm? Well, how about we dance and drink it out? Derek and I got a gig tonight at this bar and… well, after that, we could drink until you forget their names?” 

“Sounds perfect.” 

No, it doesn´t. Not, when you´re sober and you know, you´ll be hungover tomorrow. 

I don´t even have to say it, because my pokerface sucks. 

Luna sighs. “Oh come on. Don´t be so lame.”

“I am not lame.” 

“You are.”

“Am not.” 

“Yes, you are and now get you´re ass in here. Derek just started dinner.” 

“Am not.” I repeat, as I follow her inside. It takes me exactly two seconds to recognize the smell in the air. “Pasta?” 

“Of course. I know you. And pasta is soul-food.”

“Thanks for letting me stay here. I wouldn´t know where else to go after everything went to shit back home.”

“Stop thanking me for that.” Luna answers, sounding a little indignant. “It´s a matter of course. And besides, I´ve missed you.” 

“Oh, I´ve missed you two, little Lou.” 

She groans. “Don´t make me regret it.”

“You love me.”

“Damn right I do.”

The first floor of the house is more like one big room and stairs, but it´s cozy and in the few days, they´ve been living here, they´ve already made themselves a home. 

“Hey, C!” Derek shouts from the kitchen counter. 

Derek is a tall, square-shouldered guy, full of tattoos, with long dark brown hair, piercing eyes and a tough looking face. Mom and dad weren´t really thrilled, when Luna brought him home the first time and I could understand it. Luna seems so fragile compared to him. But deep down he´s one of the most warm-hearted, loveliest guys I know. And he´s wearing an apron right now, which kind of ruins his complete look. 

“Hey, D!” I reply and get myself a bear-like hug. 

We used to cook together a lot, when the whole gang was together, so it´s natural for me to grab a spoon and taste the sauce. 

“It´s delicious.“ 

“You´d eat anything, wouldn´t you?”

“Anything you make.” I correct. “That´s a different.”

Luna laughs, but secretly she agrees with me. Derek is an amazing cook and one day, they´ll open a restaurant, I´m sure of it. 

“So you´ve already got a gig?” 

“Yeah. It´s crazy, but we´ve been playing on the streets and some guy walked up to us, saying he´d like us to join his evening program a few days ago and yeah. We´ve already played three times.” Luna answers, smiling brightly, while she hops on the kitchen counter.

First traveling, now music. She´s a free spirit. Sometimes it´s hard to believe, we´re related. The looks wouldn´t give us away, that´s for sure.

“Congrats. That´s awesome!”

“Yup. Change of topics.” Derek answers, looking at me seriously, and I know, what´s going to follow. “Do you need me to kick his worthless ass? I mean, I wouldn´t beat women, but I could make an exception for her, if you want.”

“No, Lincoln already covered that. At least for Finn.”

“And Raven?” Luna asks. “I mean, she tried to pull the drunk card on me, but I gave her shit.” 

I knew, Luna would call her. “I don´t care right now. She can have him.”

“She doesn´t want him. She´s been blaming herself and stuff, but… it´s up to you. The whole group has been avoiding her for the last days, because honestly, she´s crossed a few lines in her life, but that was too far. No one is that drunk to not know, that you´re about to sleep with your best friends´ boyfriend.”

I like, that both of them don´t walk on eggshells around me. 

“You don´t have to.” I reply, but a part of me is relieved, that my friends have my back on this. I mean, yeah, Raven screwed up big time. They should.

“I know. But we wanted her to suffer.”

I can´t help but chuckle. Luna is practically a pacifist. Suffering in any way is not her nature. “Thank you.”

“How are you doing with all this?” She continues, her voice soft. 

“I´m okay. I mean, it hurts, but…” I hesitate. 

Should I tell her about Lexa? Normally, I tell her everything. Luna knows me better than anyone, probably better than I know myself. 

“But?” 

“It´s more about Raven than Finn.”

Both exchange a look, before Luna stares at me. “How come? I thought, you loved him?” 

“I did. But… I guess, I wasn´t in love with him, you know? I…” I´m realizing it the second I´m saying it. I loved him. He was logical. Safe. But he wasn´t the one for me. I never looked at him the way Luna looks at Derek.

I want that.

“Clarke.” She says, dragging out my name. “What are you not telling me?”

“Nothing?” 

“If you´re asking me, then you´re clearly hiding something.” She states, a big bright smile plastered all across her face. “Spill, boring big sister.”

“Hey, I am not boring. I´m just not as adventurous as you guys are. But there´s nothing wrong with that.”

Luna raises her eyebrows, while Derek chuckles. He´s used to our bickering by now – if he wouldn´t be, he´d live a very exhausting life. 

“Okay.” I sigh in defeat. “On the way here I´ve met a woman, okay?”

First, my sister is really shocked. “Are you implying, you had a one-night stand? 

“Yes. Satisfied?”

“I am. The question is, are you?”

Derek and I groan at the same time. Of course, she would go down that road. She´s Luna. She takes a chance, when she gets one.

“I´m out of here. Call me, when you´re not longer talking about your sex life.” Derek announces, handing me the spoon. “You´re in charge her now.”

With that, he goes outside, leaving a laughing Luna behind. 

“I swear, he´s such a baby sometimes.” She says, rolling her dark eyes. “So, back to you. How was it?”

“Do we have to?”

“Yup. It´s your first one-night stand. We should probably throw a party, make a banner with something like “my sister got laid” on it and hang it on the door or something!”

See, that´s one more point on the long list of differences between us. But there´s now way of not answering her or she will talk about it for the rest of the night, just to fulfil her duties as my annoying little sister. And she´s very good at this.

So I roll my eyes and answer her question.

“It was… really great. Fantastic. Earthshaking.”

“Did you just say earthshaking?” 

“I did.” 

“Wow. Must have been really good sex then. Will you see her again?”

I shake my head. “No. I´ve only got her first name and… It wouldn´t be a one-night stand, wouldn’t it?” 

“You´re looking… Sad.” 

“I am. There was something about her, that made me feel… safe.”

Luna sighs. “Only you can fall for a one-night stand.”

“Could we not repeat the word that often? It makes it feel… shitty. And I´m not falling for her. It´s just been an… amazing night.” 

“You´re strange. But okay. So maybe you´ve met your soulmate in that bar and you´ll never know, hm? That sucks.”

“Luna. She isn´t my soulmate.”

“Who knows.” She answers, grinning. 

Hopefully that´s the end of this topic now, because even though we´re kind of best friends and all that, it´s still weird to talk about things like that with you´re little sister. She´s my baby sister. I don´t even want to imagine her and Derek…

“Hey.” She says softly, grabbing my forearm. “One day you´ll find someone, who deserves you. Don´t be content with anyone less, than a person who makes you smile on your worst days, who makes you breakfast in bed just because and who makes you feel complete, even though you didn´t know, something was missing. You´ll know.”

“Did you just quote one of your own songs?”

“Maybe.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexas POV back in 2011...
> 
> WARNING: Mentions of failed suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts.

####  March 12th, 2011 – Lexa 

.

I´ve been in a really dark place for the last two years. Dark enough to take some pills a year and two days ago, trying to end it. Not trying hard enough, I guess, since it didn´t work. March, 10th.

Anya, my sister, made me promise to never try again. I didn´t. I wouldn´t. 

But I thought about it. And that´s the scary thing about dark thoughts. They don´t just leave.

So I´ve rented a motel room and I´ve spent the dark day laying on the bed, trying to drown my thoughts with lots of alcohol. The next morning, I woke with a bad hangover. I spent the day laying in bed, too. That was yesterday. March 11th. I´ve survived another year.

But I started living again the second I looked into those gorgeous, sky blue eyes of the beautiful stranger named Clarke. 

It´s really cliché, I know. But it´s true.

There´s something about that woman, that makes me … I don´t know how to explain it. She pulled me close and touched my soul, like no other person in the world before. 

Today is Saturday and I´ve been driving like a maniac, just to make good use of the good feeling in my stomach. It´s already getting dark outside, but I´ll reach my destination within minutes, so it doesn´t bother me too much.

My eyes are focused on the familiar, but dark road in front of me, as suddenly my phone rings. It gives me a heart attack and I curse my sister for her timing.

“Anya, I´m fine.”

“GODDAMN!” She shouts. “I hate you! Why didn´t you pick up your phone yesterday? Do you have any idea how worried sick I was!?” 

“I promised you, I wouldn´t do anything. I just… needed time.”

She mutters a few words, some of them clearly insulting. “Hell, don´t you dare doing that again, Lexa, I swear…”

“I promise.” 

“Where are you?” She´s back to her worried tone. 

“Just a few miles from home.”

“Home? As in home-home?” Now she´s shocked and the thought of surprising her for once makes me smile. 

“Yeah. Just reached the city limits.” I answer, knowing that my plan hasn´t failed it purpose. “I´ll be there in ten minutes.” 

“No joking?” 

“No. See you soon, big sister.” 

“Drive safe. Can´t wait, little one.” 

I hang up, throwing my phone into the bag next to me. 

-.-.-.-

I haven´t been home in nearly a year. Too many painful memories are connected to that place. But I finally feel strong enough to face them. Thanks to that unknown woman, who may have saved my life. 

As I pull into the driveway, Anya is already waiting by the door, both hands in the pockets of her jeans, but I can tell easily, that she´s excited. 

I haven´t even closed the door, when her arms wrap around me tightly. 

Anya isn´t one to hug and cuddle all the time. She seems to be closed off, cold, harsh sometimes. But she isn´t. Deep down she´s like a big, soft teddy bear. If you ever get through the massive layers of ice, of course.

“I can´t believe it. Everyone´s going to go crazy!” She shouts in my ear. Holy shit, since when is she that enthusiastic? 

“Can we go slow? I´m really tired and-”

“How long?” She asks, taking in my face as if years passed, not months. She´s seeing the dark bags underneath my eyes, that tell stories of many sleepless nights. 

“Don´t know. Days. Weeks. I´m not sure.” 

“I take what I get. Let´s get your stuff.” 

I don´t have much. Even though I have enough money to afford my time being away for the last year and a car, I´m used to living out of one bag. Clothes and stuff is replaceable. 

I watch my sister rolling her eyes, as she takes my bag and drags me inside. 

It´s hard coming home. Even though I had a mostly happy childhood, there are some memories I don´t like to think about connected to this house. The house, we grew up in. 

Anya isn´t my sister through blood. My parents died when I was one, so my uncle Gustus and his wife Indra took me in and welcomed me to their little family, which consisted of their five year old adoptive daughter Anya and the two of them. Two years later Lincoln, my little brother, was born. I consider them my family. 

Gustus died two years ago, one day before another person I loved ripped my broken heart out. A simple heart attack, nothing could have been done. The family bond got tighter, but I couldn´t be part of that. 

I took over the family company, making it bigger than it ever was. It´s been an escape for not feeling anything. I´ve been spiraling faster and faster, until I couldn´t take it anymore. Two months in therapy and rehab, then I left town. Anya and Lincoln took care of the company and I spent twelve months traveling through the country, from city to city. 

A year has passed. Meanwhile Anya moved back home, after her marriage didn´t work the way it should have, now living in the large garden house. I moved out – more or less. A lot has changed.

And some things didn´t change at all. Like the small, familiar hallway with dozens of framed pictures on the walls, the stairs the three of us used to sit on long after bedtime, watching Indra and Gustus dancing, the unique smell of home. 

Tears well up in my eyes and Anya smiles at me, sadness clouding hers. “You okay?” She asks. 

I nod mechanically. 

“Mom is going to be home soon, she got held back at work. And Linc is with his girlfriend, but I´ll call him.” 

“No, it´s alright.” I answer, walking to the living room, while she grabs to beer for us. I don´t want to much attention, but I fear, I won´t have a say in that case. They´ll probably through a welcome-home-party. “I´m sorry for missing your birthday.” 

“You didn´t miss it. You called.” She corrects, while I take a seat on the couch. Even the living room hasn´t changed at all. Like I walked out the door and came right back. 

“You know what I mean.” 

Anya smiles, politely ignoring my apology. “Turning thirty isn´t that big of a deal.” 

“To me it seems. Another decade.” 

She rolls her eyes and sticks out her tongue, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch, handing me a beer. “Dumbass.” 

“You love me.” I say. It´s part of our bickering we have been doing from day one. It´s our way of communicating and since she´s always a bit… provocative, it´s the closest to talking about feelings we get. 

“Damn right, I do. It´s really good to see you, Lex.” She replies unusual soft. 

“You too. It´s scary to be back, but not in a bad way. It feels… right.” 

“May I ask, what changed you mind? Last week you said, you won´t be back before summer and now...” Anya doesn´t need to finish her sentence. And she doesn´t bother with normal stuff like caution. No, she´s always straight forward. But I can handle that. 

“I met a woman.”

“A woman?” Now she´s grinning widely. Because I tell her everything, she knows, there wasn´t any other woman since… Costia. 

“Not like you think.” I retort immediately. Well, exactly like she thinks, but she doesn´t need to know this. Even if we´re really close, there´s still stuff I don´t want to talk about with her. “We just… I don´t know. She gave me another perspective on things. I can´t even explain it. I just knew, it was time to come back home.” 

“Well, do you have her number or address? Because I would like to thank her, for bringing back my sister. Send her flowers maybe.”

I hit her shoulder softly. “No, I don´t.” Sadly. 

“Damn, you lost game, small Woods.” 

“I didn´t. It wasn´t… right to ask for that, big Woods.” I return her nicknaming. 

She shakes her head, unbelieving. And she´s right, I should have asked Clarke for her number – at least I should have tried. I´ve spent the day driving and regretting in equal parts. 

.

-.-.-.-.-.-

.

Later that evening, after being hugged and questioned a lot by Anya, Linc and Mom, I´m finally alone. I´m sitting on my bed in my old room. And it feels… strange. 

I haven´t been back here since my college graduation, haven´t even stepped a foot inside. I had my own apartment, a few blocks from here. I sold it a year ago. Probably the right decision.

Most of it looks like it used to back during Highschool – empty, plain, functional. Only a few pictures of Costia, Anya, Lincoln, my best friend Roan and me. 

I have been sitting here for about twenty minutes, trying to write my daily diary. Well, daily, except for the last two days. 

It´s a habit I started during therapy and I´ve grown to like it. Writing things down helps me focus. The page is half full, but I´ve crossed out every sentence. It doesn´t feel right anymore. 

So I try a different approach and start writing.

_Dear Clarke._

Okay, now I´m going crazy, right? But I don´t care enough to stop. 

_I´ve tried to continue like I´m supposed to, but it doesn´t work. It hasn´t even been a day since our … encounter._  
_I wish, we would´ve met under different circumstances. I really do. You seem to be that kind of person, who enriches everyone´s life._  
_I can´t stop wondering about you and your life. What brought you to that bar? Where you´re from? And I can´t stop thinking about the things I may have done, if you weren´t sitting on that barstool. You saved me._

Maybe that´s enough reason to write to her? I think about her face for a second, before I continue. 

_God, I wish I would´ve stayed. I would give anything to talk to you right now. Strange, right? Too strange. But it felt like you could understand me._

For today, that´s enough. I feel a bit better, as I turn out the lights.

-.-.-.-.-

####  March 16th, 2011 – Lexa. 

.

“You want to stay?” Lincoln repeats surprised. 

“I didn´t notice you were that old.” I retort smiling, when he rolls his eyes. 

I just told him, that I plan on looking for an apartment. Being twenty-six and living at home isn´t exactly the most adult thing for a fresh start. 

We´re sitting in his favorite diner, the Grounders, where his girlfriend is going to meet us. They´ve been dating over a year now, but last time I was supposed to get to know her, I tried to kill myself, so… It didn´t really work out. 

“Are you… sure? I know it´s not easy for you to be here, with Dad and Costia and all the stuff that followed.” 

Lincoln is the only one besides Anya, who talks to me directly about all the stuff that happened. I appreciate it. 

“Yeah, I am. I´ve been in a dark place for the last two years. I miss Dad, I really do. And yes, Dad and Costia broke me, but… I can´t be broken forever, I know that now. What I did last year, I won´t ever do that again. So… this is me, starting over.” 

My muscled and tall, but little brother watches me closely while I´m talking. When I´m done, he is smiling. “Okay. You have my back and-”

We get interrupted, when a dark haired, blue eyed and beautiful woman with bright skin enters the diner and Lincoln forgets what he wanted to say. The woman must be Octavia. 

She´s pretty, I´ll give him that. And she´s got him wrapped around her little finger. He gets up to greet her, just a small kiss on the lips, before he introduces us. 

“Lex, this is Octavia, my girlfriend. O, this is Lexa.”

We shake hands and sit back down. My head is spinning since he called me Lex. The last person who did that… I can´t even remember her voice anymore. 

“Lexa?” 

“What? Sorry, I zoned out for a bit.” 

“I asked, if you want a coffee or something.” Lincoln says. 

“Yeah, thanks.”

I watch him getting up and return my attention to his girlfriend. 

“You´ve got him wrapped around your little finger, you know that, right?”

Octavia smiles. “And the other way around. Is this the part where you threaten me, big sister style?”

“No. I´m sure you got that speech from Anya already and I´m not half as scary, as she is, so… no.” I answer, shaking my head. 

Octavia nods. 

“You´ve been there for him, when I… couldn´t. So this is the part, where I tell you thank you.”

My honesty gets her by surprise. I´m not sure, what Lincoln told her about me. But I´m not the most open person and that´s no secret. 

Octavia answers after a few seconds, her electric blue eyes hold my gaze. “You don´t have to thank me. It´s what you do, when you love someone.”

Lincoln returns with our coffees, placing them in front of us. “What did I miss? You look so serious?” 

“We just found the first thing, we have in common.” I say, sharing a smile with Octavia. 

“What´s that?” 

“Knowing you´re weakness for kittens of course.” Octavia announces without hesitation.

“Hey, they are adorable!” He automatically defends himself.

Octavia and I burst into laughter and make him pout in the process for not being involved in this joke.

If you´ve ever seen a muscled guy with half his body covered in tattoos pout, then you´ve seen the weirdest and cutest thing alive. 

“Already conspiring against me, I see. Oh, I´ll get you. I promise.”

“Oh babe, you´ve got no chance. I´m sure, Lexa knows lots of embarrassing stories about you and we´ve got all afternoon to talk about them.”

I like her. She´s good for him.

 

-.-.-.-.-

 

That evening, I´m back to my room. 

I´ve spent some hours online, searching for possible apartments and I´ve organized myself two viewing appointments for tomorrow. It´s a good thing. 

_Dear Clarke._   
_I´m still trying. Hard._   
_I´ve been thinking about Costia a lot the last days. I know, she never loved me the way I loved her. Most of the time it didn´t even matter to me. But it should have._   
_She played games, bad ones. She knew how to push my buttons. She had this power over me, I didn´t know about – and I hated her for that. But it was my fault. Because I let her have that power._   
_She hit me like a tornado, tearing apart my whole life. I´m still healing, I guess. Picking up the pieces._

_I´m finally better._

_I focus on workout again, I´m trying to get back in shape. It helps to make me feel like myself again, you know?_   
_I don´t plan to return to the company just yet. Anya says, that´s okay. She´s just happy, that I´m back home. I´ll keep my shares, while I figure out, what to do next. I never had a choice. I´ve never been this… free?_   
_And: I´m looking for apartments. I want a space to call home. It feels weird. But in a good way. Somehow like writing to you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always: THANK YOU for reading! Means a lot to me - and so does every feedback!
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.


	7. Chapter 7 - Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, sorry for not updating so long. I'm writing on 4 different stories right now and I can't always find the inspiration I need. All I can do is to promise, that I won't abandon any of my stories.  
> And while you're waiting, you can check out my newest Story up here. It's called "All the reasons I loved you for" and there will be weekly updates for the next few weeks guaranteed, since I've already written eleven chapters.
> 
> Special thanks to Cezos23, who inspired me to try on this one today. 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter!  
> love,  
> LJT  
> ....

####  March 12th, 2017 – Clarke. 

The drive to Ravens house is quiet. We keep holding hands, because none of us wants to let the other go, it seems. I don’t mind at all. I’ve finally found her.

“Do you want something to drink?” I ask, trying to hide the slight tremble in my voice, after I’ve closed the door behind us. We are alone. Finally? 

Lexa doesn’t answer. Instead she pulls me close and seals my lips with a hungry kiss, that leaves me pressed against the wall, as her hands roam freely, and my arms wrap around her neck. My whole body is on fire. 

_We were here already. Some time ago._

I’m too surprised, to stop her. So I kiss her back and open my mouth willingly, when her tongue asks for entrance. No, Lexa doesn’t ask. She demands. And I fucking love it.

But before this could go any further, she suddenly pulls back, leaning against the opposite wall. Her pupils are blown and dark, she’s breathing as heavy as I am. “I… Umm.” 

“It’s okay. I’m sorry, I-”

“No.” She interrupts me. “I want this, believe me. I’ve… I’ve wanted this for so long, you can’t imagine… And now we met again and I just… Shit.” She closes her eyes to find her composure.

“I can. Imagine, I mean. I’ve thought about it, too.” I tell her. 

“Yeah?”

I nod, noticing the hopeful tone in her voice. “Yeah.” 

Thought. Dreamt. Painted. 

“How…? We’re strangers.” 

I smile gently. “I don’t know. But we aren’t strangers, Lexa. Maybe we’ve never been. Except for the first… ten minutes?” 

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

“Same goes for me. We’ll go an a date tomorrow and see, where it leads us?” I suggest. 

Lexa simply nods, seemingly lost in thoughts. Is she nervous?

“It’s a small world, hm?” I say quietly. 

“Yeah. Your best friend married my sister. And we’ve never met, even though my little brother is dating your other best friend. That’s… strange. But I guess, it’s my fault. He asked me to meet you guys about a hundred times and I…” She goes silent. 

Yeah, it is strange. And fucking annoying. 

“Lincoln’s your brother?” 

“Yes. I’ll tell you my family story tomorrow, okay? And we should probably get some sleep. I’ll take the couch.” 

“Lexa, don’t be-”

“I take the couch. Okay?” She answers determined and waits until I manage a nod. Then she crosses the remaining distance between us and brings her left hand up to my face, where she caresses my cheek with so much tenderness, that my feet might give in any second. 

Our eyes lock together and I swallow heavily. What is it she does to me?

I feel the warmth of her hand seep through my body, setting it on fire. Then Lexa leans in, lips slightly parted, and before I know it, hers capture mine in a soft, but passionate kiss. 

When she pulls back, one of the first truly genuine smiles in a long time appears on my lips.

“Well then, good night, stranger.” She says quietly, her eyes radiating nothing but warmness.

“Good night, Lexa.” I manage to answer, long after she’s left for the living room.

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 

Second night of sleep. Real, pure and undisturbed sleep. I’m feeling great.

I barely get out of bed, but after a cold shower (I really hate them, but they do what they should), I’m able to think properly. 

Lexa. 

She’s the first thing on my mind. 

Knowing, she's downstairs makes my heart beat faster. 

I'm feeling excited and nervous, but crazy happy, too. I'm feeling a lot of things, to be honest, and that alone is enough to make me smile. Because for once there’s more than guilt.

After I’ve checked my appearance for the tenth time, I finally open the door and make my way downstairs. 

Lexa is already up.

She’s changed into a pair of jeans and a hoodie, that’s a little to big for her – probably Anya’s clothes – and she’s sitting on the couch, a book in her hands, when I walk in. 

“Hey, stranger.” She says, a wide grin on her face. “You look relaxed. Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, I did. Thank you.”

“Ready for breakfast?”

 _Ready for anything. I’d follow you all around the world, if I had to,_ I think to myself. 

“I'm ready.”

“Great!” She exclaims excited and jumps up from the couch. “I’ve already got something in mind.”

“You do, hm?”

Lexa walks towards me and I can’t help myself. I have to feel her close, before we do anything else. So I wrap my arms around her neck and whisper a quiet “thank you” into her hair, noticing once more, how well our bodies fit together. 

“For what?” She asks surprised.

I'm suddenly well aware, that her lips are very close to my skin. Oh shit.

“For coming back into my life. I needed this.” 

I could swear, she’s smiling, when her arms sneak around my lower back and she holds me close. “I needed this, too.” 

We stay for a little eternity, wrapped up in each other’s arms, enjoying each other’s warmth and closeness. Until Lexa’s stomach growls. 

I chuckle. “Someone’s hungry.”

“For you? Always.”

“Charmer. Let’s get something to eat. Can’t have you starving.”

\-----

Fifteen minutes later we’re walking towards a small diner – hand in hand. I love the fact, that she’s acting so natural and confident, as if we had been doing this for years. 

I swear, if she isn’t careful, I'm going to keep her.

“What’s so special about this place?” 

“It’s got the worlds best pancakes.” She states, like it would be the most obvious answer.

“Which are?”

“Blueberry. But that’s not the point.”

“What is the point?”

“They’re really, really good.” She says. “And when I say good, I mean the heavenly kind of good. Once you’ve tried them, you’re never going to want other pancakes ever.” 

God, does she know, how adorably cute she can be?

“You haven’t tried mine.”

“Is that a threat or an offer?” It’s the first time, I notice those cute dimples. 

Death by Lexa. Doesn’t sound bad, does it?

“We’ll see. If you play your cards right…”

Lexa smirks and opens the door for me. 

We take a desk by the window, because she likes the morning sun, and we both order a coffee and blueberry pancakes. 

“So.” She starts.

“So?”

“I can’t believe, we’re here.”

“Me neither.”

“I mean, I'm still sorry for leaving you. I… regretted it the minute I drove back onto the highway, but… you gave so much hope and energy and I felt, like I needed to make the best out of it.” She continues and buries her beautiful face in her hands. “God, that probably sounds harsh.”

“No, it doesn’t.” I reassure her with a smile. “I was sad and I’d lie, if I said, I didn’t think about other versions of that morning, but… I get it.”

“I'm still sorry.”

I take one of her hands and squeeze it. “Apology accepted. So, what’s your family story? It’s first date talk material, right?”

“It is.” She replies. “Umm… I don’t really know where to start. My parents died, when I was only one. I grew up with my uncle Gus and his wife Indra. The had adopted Anya a few years before me, because they didn’t get a child of their own, and later they got Lincoln. That’s it.”

“Did you grow up here?”

“Yeah, we grew up in the outskirts of town. I’ve been a way for a few years.” She seems to get lost in thoughts for a moment. “After dad died, it was hard. But home is home, right?”

“Yes, it is.”

“What about you?” Green eyes lock with mine again.

“My family was my home for as long as I can remember. My dad had been away a lot and mom had to take night shifts and stuff, but… having Luna helped.” I answer slowly, while my fingers wrap around the cup of coffee. “We’ve always been close and the bond grew even more after highschool. When… when she died, it ripped apart our family, I guess. So I moved. Polis didn’t feel like home anymore.”

“Where to?”

“Ton Dc. Mom’s still bitter. I almost stepped into her footsteps and became a surgeon, I even started residency and I was really good, but…”

“But?”

“Now I'm working as an emergency doctor. And I like it. The adrenalin.”

“That’s the most important thing. I try to picture you being an emergency doctor.”

“And?”

“It fits.”

“What do you do?”

“I studied business and economy to take over my shares in my dad’s company. Wasn’t exactly, what made me happy, but being with my family felt right. When he died, I took over the company. But it… it ruined me. It took me years, until I felt ready to start again and even now I'm just working part time.” 

Lexa’s face is like an open book to me. I can read all the emotions on it. Whenever she mentions her family, her expression gets lighter, softer. When she mentions her dad, I can see the sadness in her eyes. 

“And what do you do with the rest of it? If you don’t mind asking?”

“I'm teaching kids in elementary school three days a week.”

I didn’t expect that. 

But why not? Lexa’s a warm and caring person and I'm sure, she’s amazing with kids. 

“You’re surprised.” She states. 

“A little.”

My confession makes her smile. “Yeah, most of the people are. CEO and elementary teacher in one person isn’t common.” 

“If you put it like that, it’s even more contrasting. I wonder, what it would look like on a business card. By the way, what’s your last name? I mean, yes, people do build opinions on names, but… I promise, I won’t.”

Lexa chuckles. “It’s Woods.”

“Wait. Woods? As in Woods Incorporated?”

“See, you’ve got an opinion.”

“No.” I disagree immediately. “Well, yes, but only, because my dad used to work with your company for a few projects over the years. He said, he liked working with your company.”

“What’s his name?”

“Jake Griffin.”

Lexa looks shocked. “Jake Griffin?” She repeats. “Oh my god. Shit. We could’ve met years ago, you know that?”

“I'm painfully aware now. We’ve had like a million chances? And yet we met in that bar half across the country.”

I watch her shaking her head in disbelief, but before one of us can say anything else, the waitress brings our pancakes. 

“Well, I'm going to taste those heavenly pancakes now.”

“I'm strung to the breaking point.” Lexa states sarcastically and leans back in her seat, while I take a bite. 

I take my time, but they aren’t bad. Pretty good actually. 

“They’re decent.”

“Decent? Are you out of your mind?”

“Said it before, you haven’t tasted mine.” I reply, desperately trying to hide my amusement. “By the way, just for the record. You’re single, right?”

Lexa laughs and here I go again. Death by Lexa. How can have someone a laugh like that? It should be illegal, because – hands down – I’d follow her everywhere, if she just keeps doing that. 

“A little late, isn’t it?” 

I shrug, eagerly waiting for an answer. 

“Yes, I am single. But hopefully not for long.”

And I'm coughing coffee. 

What did she just say? 

Is she insane?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Thanks for reading !!! <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers! :D  
> Today I've been writing exactly 10 years. I started when I was twelve and got my first laptop. To celebrate that, I'm uploading a chapter on this story today (yaay) and later another one on "All the reasons I loved you for". Ten years. 
> 
> But I have to admit, that since I started writing (and uploading) stories in English, I can't stop at all. Literally.  
> I'm neglecting social life a little and especially studying. But hey, you gotta do, what makes you happy, right? :D
> 
> So, here's chapter 8. It's a bit short, but it felt right. And we'll continue their first date :)
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> ......

####  Lexa. 

Okay, maybe that was a bit too forward. 

But hey, life is too short, right? And I fell for that woman six years ago. I had to wait long enough for her. 

So no, I won’t take it back. 

“You’re moving fast.” She states, when she’s got herself under control again. 

“I didn’t ask you to be my girlfriend.” I tell her. _Not yet._ “I just said, that maybe I’ll meet a nice and beautiful woman, who may become my girlfriend in the near future, if she plays the cards right.”

It’s a long shot. 

But it’s got her smiling in the blink of an eye. “Aha. And what would she have to do, to play the cards right?”

“I'm not spilling my secrets here.”

Clarke chuckles. 

And god, I would die for that sound. How can it be, that she’s so addictive so fast? 

“So… we’ve discussed the family stories. The job. Back to the other first-date-basics. Favorite movie? And don’t tell me, you’re not a movie person, because that would definitely be the wrong card.”

“Umm… Okay, so I happen to love movies. Love in big letters. And… I'm more the series kinda girl? But if I had to pick one movie…” Clarke thinks hard, while I notice the small wrinkle between her eyebrows. “I’d pick… God I don’t know.”

She makes me laugh. “That doesn’t count.”

“Maybe the Harry Potter movies? Though the books are way better. And then there’s any kinds of superhero movies. I like them, too. But actually, I watch everything except horror movies.”

“I let that answer count. Favorite animal?”

“I'm more of a cat person, but I could get used to a dog, I guess. There was just this one dog in the neighborhood, who’d scare the shit out of me on my way home from school every day. Maybe I'm traumatized.” She snickers quietly and adorably cute. “Though my aunt had this little fluffy dog, that I liked. I don’t know. Cats are less… scary. But demanding.” 

I could listen to her cute rambling all day. 

“Cats are devilish.” I state and Clarke nods in agreement. 

“What about you? Tell me something about you, Lexa Woods.”

“There isn’t much to tell.” I say silently and take a sip from my almost cold coffee. “I'm a huge Star Wars nerd. I’d watch them with dad, when I was a kid. And I like football, even though I still don’t get to rules. If you’d ask me, what my favorite movie is, I’d probably tell you, that it’s Finding Nemo. Though Finding Dorie was a good one, too.”

Clarke squeals – half excitement, half hysterical laughter, what gets the attention of some people in the coffee shop. 

Normally, I’d be embarrassed, but right now I don’t care. 

All I can think about is, that I can’t let that woman slip through my fingers again.

“Finding Nemo?” She repeats, after she’s calmed down a little.

“Don’t make fun of me. It’s a cute movie.”

“It’s a kids’ movie.”

“But still a good one.”

She shakes her head in amusement, her blue eyes sparkling with life, like they did six years ago. I'm glad to see, that this part of her is still in there. But if someone understands pain, it’s me. I feel honored, that I'm the one, who makes her laugh.

“We could watch it on our second date.” 

“So you think, you played your cards well enough, to get a second date?” I tease. 

“I do.” 

And she has me smiling again, just like that. 

We get lost in each other’s eyes for a moment, enjoying the strange feeling of familiarity, which hangs in the air. The feeling of relief, that we met again. The curiosity, about what’s to come.

“How about tonight?” I suggest after a few seconds, ignoring every single first-date-rule out there, throwing all caution in the wind. “Pizza, Nemo and some cuddling at my place?”

She purses her lips. “We haven’t finished this one yet. Let’s see first, if you play your cards right, shall we? The day is still young.”

“You’re never going to let that cards thing go again, will you?”

“Nope.”

And just like that, never is a word I’d like to change into a forever. 

Back in highschool I had this romantic idea of love. 

Then I met Costia and it felt good, but not like in the movies. I thought, that’s what it feels like in reality. 

Then I met Clarke in that bar in the middle of nowhere and since that night, not a single day had passed, on which I haven’t thought about her. How she smelled, how her voice sounded, what she would be doing right now, … 

And with just a thought, I felt closer to her.

“What are you thinking about?” She suddenly asks, a curious and soft smile on those perfect lips. 

“You.”

“Sap.”

“It’s true. You look beautiful.”

Clarkes cheeks flush in a light shade of red. “Thank you.”

“Show me your favorite spot.”

“What?”

“Around town. Your favorite spot.”

Clarke hesitates, as she thinks about it. Then a cute grin flashes over her face, lighting her eyes with a bold energy in the process. “I know one.”

I throw some money on the table. And before I know it, she’s grabbed my hand and she’s dragging me out of the coffee shop and down the street. 

_They fit perfectly_ , I notice secretly. 

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

“Come on, give me a hint.”

She just smiles – a genuine, soft and so beautiful smile, that makes my knees feel wobbly, my heart race and I want to kiss those lips right here, on the middle of this sidewalk. 

“Clarke.” I say, prolonging her name a little longer. I even put on a pout, but Clarke just chuckles and shakes her head. 

She’s resistant to my famous pout. 

Shit. I found my personal kryptonite. 

If she keeps doing these things to me, I’ll marry that woman by the end of summer. 

“A little patience. We’re almost there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading <3
> 
> All kinds of feedback are welcomed!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some cuteness after Valentines day ;) 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> ......

...

####  Lexa 

We stop in front of a familiar house.

“Clarke.” 

“Yeah?”

“Why are we back to Ravens home?”

“Because you asked, where my favorite place was.” 

“And that’s her house?” I ask skeptical. 

She chuckles. “No, dummy. See that house over there?” 

I watch her point to the house next to Ravens. “Yeah?”

“That’s, where I grew up. My parents’ house.”

For a moment I wonder, why she isn’t staying there. And then I remember. It has to be because of her sister. 

“Is it still your favorite place?” I ask carefully, watching her facial expression morphing into something… thoughtful. 

“I'm not sure. It used to be. I… haven’t been inside, since...” She leaves the sentence unfinished, as her gaze wanders across the lawn and towards the house. “It … hurts. But it’s home, you know? Even from afar.”

“I do.”

“Sorry.” She suddenly says, turning around to face me. “It’s not first date material. Sad stories tend to ruin the mood.”

“I guess, we aren’t exactly normal first date material. And I like to learn about you, Clarke, so nothing’s ruining the mood. Okay?” 

“How about you show me your favorite place?”

“Oh, that’s easy.” I answer, smiling at the blonde woman in front of me. “My favorite place is right here.”

Clarke takes a step closer, intertwining the fingers of our free hands, too. “Smooth.” 

“Maybe. But it’s although very, very true.” 

She’s so close now, that we share the same air. Our noses are almost touching. And god, she has to hear my heart beating.

Just, when she’s about to lean in to connect our lips, someone shouts her name. 

“Clarke?” 

The voice belongs to a woman I’ve seen at my sister’s wedding. Clarkes Mom. She’s coming closer, but I barely notice it, because I'm focused on Clarke. 

I watch her clenching her jaw and closing her eyes for a brief moment.

“Wanna get out of here?” I ask quietly.

“I…” She swallows, blue eyes staring into mine. “I can’t. I mean, I shouldn’t, right?”

Subconsciously, she wants me to decide for her, but I can’t. She’s got to do that on her own. “That’s up to you.” I say, as gently as possible.

“Can you… stay?” 

I smile and give her hands a reassuring squeeze. “Of course.”

“Clarke.” Her mother says, as she stops in front of us. She sounds a little… desperate? “Can I… hug you?”

Clarke lets one of my hands go and nods slowly. I can see her stiffed posture, her hand is cold and holds on to mine, like it’s a lifeline. 

“I’ve missed you, sweetie.” The brunette woman says quietly, eyeing me over her daughters should. 

“Me too.” Clarke answers. 

Finally, it seems, her mother pulls back to take a look at her. “You look better.”

“I am.”

“Who’s your friend?” Brown eyes wander back to me, then two our intertwined hands and back to her daughter. 

“That’s Lexa.”

“Lexa…” The woman repeats. “You seem familiar.”

“Lexa Woods. Woods Inc. And Anya’s my sister.” I tell her and reach out my free hand. “It’s nice to meet you again, Mrs. Griffin.”

“Ah! You’ve been working with my husband! Jake speaks very highly of you.” The woman suddenly urges forward and hugs me. “You make her smile.” She whispers so quietly, that I'm not even sure, if she said anything. When she pulls back, she continues. “Sorry, we’re huggers. And call me Abby, please.

“Okay, Abby.” I say, nodding once, to show her, that I understand. I'm truly surprised, but in a good way. 

“Do you want to come in? We could have some coffee or lunch or…” There’s so much hope in her tone, that it stings my heart. This woman lost both her daughters and one will never return home, while the other slowly starts to find herself again.

I hope, I can help Clarke like she helped me years ago.

“Actually, mom, we’re on a date, so… Maybe another time?”

A flash of sadness scurries over Abbys face, before she smiles. “Yeah, of course. It was good to see you, Clarke. And you too, Lexa.”

“Same.” 

Clarke steps back and pulls me with her, before we can say anything else. 

For a few minutes, we walk in silence. Something tells me, that she needs this. I keep holding her hand in the meantime, just trying to be there for her, while I wait patiently (and enjoy to be near her).

“Thank you.” She finally whispers quietly. 

“For what?”

“For offering me an exit. It helped. Because most of the time, it feels like I’ve got no choice.”

I don’t know, what I can say to that. It’s probably for the best, if I say nothing at all. 

“Tell me some more about you, Woods.”

“It’s Woods, now?” I tease with a smirk. “Okay. What do you want to know?”

“Something. I don’t mind.” 

“I can’t whistle.”

Clarke stops on the middle of the sidewalk to stare at me. “Really? That’s, what you’re going with? I can’t whistle.” She repeats, fake-shocked and amused at the same time. “I thought about something more… meaningful.”

“It is meaningful!” I protest.

She chuckles and shakes her head no. “Meaningful would be, how you imagine your life. Or you see the relationship to your family. Dreams. Hopes. Important stuff.”

“Ah, I see.” I pretend to think hard. “Well, I imagine you playing a role in my life. The relationship is great. And I don’t dream, I do.” 

“Wow, that’s… I don’t even know, what to say to this. You’re impossible.” She rolls her eyes, biting her lips.

“Impossible cute?”

It’s working. Clarke’s eyes lighten up with all the banter. And I'm so proud, that I get to be the reason, that I can’t stop. 

She sighs dramatically. “I wouldn’t have pictured you being a smooth talker.”

“How did you picture me?”

“Honestly? With a motorcycle, being the families’ black sheep, because you didn’t want to be a lawyer like the rest of them. Only child. Playing drums. And loving poems, because you’re secretly a romantic.” 

“Well, half of it is true.” I comment with a chuckle. 

“Half of it?” 

“Yeah. If you guess right, you’ll get a kiss for each.”

“That’s easy. You’re not an only child.” 

I nod, pulling her hand close and pressing my lips to the soft skin, noticing the slight brush on her cheeks. “One.”

“Wait.” She suddenly announces, stopping once more. “I listed five things. Does that mean, one is half correct?” 

“Yup.”

“Than it’s the black sheep thing.”

I raise both eyebrows with a challenging grin. “Why not the poem thing?”

“Because you are a romantic and I'm sure, you love poems. You’ve got this certain… aura. Am I right?”

I sigh. She’s good. 

“That makes two more kisses, Woods. Do I get to choose, where?”

She’s killing me. 

But I’ve got a reputation to lose. So I shake my head and lean closer. My lips meet her cheek. “Two.” I can hear, how she’s catching her breath, when I move a little lower to kiss her neck. “Three.”

“You’re good.” She whispers and blinks a few times, after I’ve pulled back. 

I just smile for an answer, so she doesn’t notice, how badly I want to kiss her right now. To really kiss her.

“Umm… We’ve got the motorcycle and the drums left.” She sums up.

I nod. 

“Hm. Both would be fitting.” 

Watching Clarke thinking hard, is my new favorite thing in the world. God, she’s so cute. And then she’s biting her lips and I'm screwed. 

I swallow and look somewhere else. 

“The drums.”

“Why this one?”

She shrugs. “Don’t know. Just a feeling.”

“Hm.” 

“What? Am I right or not? Lexa.”

“You’re right.” 

“Yes!” She exclaims, throwing both hands in the air.

I immediately miss her hand in mine – but I get to kiss her soon, so it’s bearable. 

Clarke beams, as if she just hit the jackpot. “Can I get my reward now?”

I cup her face gently with one hand and ghost a kiss on her other cheek. “Four.” I whisper quietly, lingering close to her for a little longer than necessary. 

Before I can pull back to tease her a little longer, she grabs my face and crashes her lips into mine. It takes my completely off guard and I can’t help but moan, when she bites my bottom lip, before she swipes her tongue across it. 

_Shit, that woman._

It takes me a few seconds to catch up, but then I kiss her back, tangling my hands in her blonde hair. She tastes sweet and I already know, that I'm addicted. I want her. God, I want her so much – in every single way possible. 

“Five.” She announces, as she pulls back abruptly, leaving me breathless with wobbly knees. 

How can she even think?

“I…”

Oh my god, where were we? 

“You?” She helps, a playful smile on her face. 

“Damn, I don’t know about you, but I’d say, I deserve a second date.” I manage to say a few seconds later. “Especially, after what you just did to me.”

“I think, you’re right. Pizza, Nemo and cuddling at your place it is.”

I could literally squeal of joy. But I'm a grown-up woman. I don’t squeal. I just grin, very wide and very smitten. And Clarke does too. 

“It’s not to fast, is it?” She asks.

I shake my head, while I reach for her hand and press another kiss to the back of it. “No. We’re just catching up.” I tell her.

“Six years?”

“Six years.” I confirm.

“That’s a lot to catch up.”

“It is.”

Clarke is smiling and that’s all I need.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey :)   
> Happy easter!  
> Sorry for not updating this one for so long... I was pretty busy and Inspiration only hit me for another story of mine. I can only try to be better! 
> 
> Love,   
> LJT.   
> \---

...

The house isn’t empty anymore, when Lexa drops me off. 

It’s hard to part from her, even if it’s only for a few hours. Crazy, right? But I knew that before, so… who cares?

“Griffin!” Ravens loud voice greets me, when I close the front door behind me. 

“Hey.” 

“Where have you been?”

“Out?” 

“Out.” She repeats, raising both eyebrows. “I'm slightly hungover, over the moon happy and technically on my way to my honeymoon. _Out_ is not the correct answer.”

“No?”

She shakes her head. “I mean, I don’t remember every part of the night anymore, but I do remember, that you had your tongue down Anyas sisters’ throat.”

“Oh.” I say, trying to find an escape. “Did I? Where’s your wife?”

Raven grins a pretty lovesick grin, but she won’t let me go. Instead she crosses her arms, clearly not giving up on the opportunity to grill me. “Spill.”

“Umm… You’re right. We did kiss.” A lot. 

“And?”

“And we’ve been out for breakfast.”

“Wait.” Anyas voice suddenly announces from upstairs. “Like a date?”

_Shit, why did I let Lexa go?_

“Depends?”

“On what?” Both women ask at the same time. 

“Look, I'm… pretty tired and I want to sleep a few hours, before…” 

_Ooops._ I suck at keeping secrets. But who can blame me? I had maybe three or four hours of sleep – that’s not nearly enough to catch up months of lying awake all night. 

“Before what?” Raven exclaims loudly, much to Anyas dismay, if I interpret her groan correct. “Oh my god, are you going on another date already?!”

“Yes. Can I go now?”

“Wow, didn’t think you’d have it in you. But yeah, go ahead. Take a shower. Do your thing.” She lets me pass, brushing off Anyas attempt of saying something. 

I can feel her eyes on me, when I walk upstairs towards my guestroom. 

On my way, I come across a few of the pictures Raven hung up everywhere. One’s showing her, Luna and me just a few weeks after Raven and I made our peace after the whole Finn-drama. It was just before Christmas and Luna’s wearing an elf costume, because she and Derek went to the hospital every year to surprise some kids. (Derek went as santa.)

I stop and stare at the picture. 

So many things happened in the last two days and with all the happiness, there’s also a melancholy feeling settling in my stomach. Last time I smiled that often was before the accident. 

Feels like another lifetime. It was another lifetime. 

I stare into Lunas brown eyes and feel guilty. 

Survivors guilt. I know that. I know probably everything about her death and what it did to me. 

Still doesn’t change a thing. 

Not thinking about her for hours isn’t something, I'm used to. A face, a song, a place, a smell… something always reminds me of her. And sometimes, it nothing more than an emotion. Happiness, for example. 

If Lexa and I would’ve met before the accident, I still would’ve been the girl who’s heart she stole that night at the bar. But now I'm not and pretending I am takes so much energy out of me, I can’t effort it. 

I got carried away in a figment. Being with her is nothing but a fantasy. That’s the reality and pretending it’s not, will only make it worse. 

I feel like suffocating and fighting the tears isn’t even worth the effort.

Before I know it, I’ve gathered my stuff and I’ve thrown everything into my bag. I'm leaving a short note on a folded piece of paper behind on the bed, before I rush down the stairs and slam the door shut behind me. 

_I'm sorry. I can’t._

That’s all I can say. I am sorry. And I really can’t stay. I can’t face a new start or whatever Lexa might offer. I just… _can’t._

“Clarke!” Raven shouts, but my feet carry me away fast and soon I'm out of reach. 

Thirty minutes later, I'm sitting in a train, crying and sobbing. 

No. I really just can’t. I can’t even sleep, let alone make it through a day, without this heavy, suffocating feeling in my chest. I'm always drained and there’s a constant aching in my bones. Maybe I’ve got nothing else left. 

My phone chimes and rings a few times, but I’m frozen to my seat by the window.

After an hour, I manage to pull it out and I scroll through the messages Raven has sent in the meantime. 

**Raven: Clarke, call me.**

**Raven: Clarke! Pick up your phone!**

**Raven: what the hell happened??**

**Raven: okay, so now I'm really worried. What about your date? You can’t just run away!**

**Raven: where are you?**

I don’t want to cause her pain. 

**Me: I'm fine.**

**Raven: you gotta give me more than that!**

**Raven: promise me, you’re not doing something dumb! Promise me!**

**Me: I promise.**

With this last message, I shut off my phone and close my eyes. The further away the train brings me, the easier it gets to breathe again. 

It’s not fair, I know that. Not to Raven, not to my parents, not to Lexa, who’s probably preparing our date for tonight right now. 

_Lexa._

She’ll get over it. I had to do the same. 

Wrong time. Wrong place. 

\---

 

My apartment is empty. Of course it is, there’s no one waiting for me. But it’s still surprising me, every time I come back. 

It’s not home to me. It’ll never be. It’s just a place, where I try to sleep. Where nightmares haunt me like ghosts, where I take a shower, where I eat and pretend to be okay. 

This time, it’s even worse. 

I got a glimpse of myself over the weekend and it’s filling me with a little hope, but on the other hand, it’s bringing me down too. The events of the past days linger in the back of my mind, while I take in the familiar sight. It feels like I’ve been here months ago. But it’s only been three days, so nothing has changed here.

I let my bag drop onto the floor besides the small bathroom to my right and aim for the refrigerator. Two bottles of beer and a bottle of water. I take the latter, because drowning pain in alcohol doesn’t really work. 

Falling onto the couch, I laugh quietly at the irony of my life. I’ve been looking for Lexa for so long and now I’m the one, who’s left her behind. Six years. And her brother’s dating one of my oldest friends. 

_If there’s a god out there, he’s a cynical and sarcastic asshole._ I think to myself. _Though I'm the one, who decided to leave. Was it even a decision? Hell, what do I know._

I take a sip of my water, before I lay down on the couch and close my eyes. 

The solitary I chose to live in, when I moved to Ton Dc, is comforting. No expectations, no questions. Just work and sleep. Exactly, how I wanted it. 

Except, it’s lonely.

And being with Lexa felt great. 

Fuck. 

I ruined it, didn’t I? 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think of it? Wishes? Ideas? Speculations? 
> 
> And I although wanted to say: thank you so much for reading <3


End file.
